Problems and Solutions
I always say, thoughts and feelings are important, but behavior wins the game. Along those lines, my goal is to always give you something concrete to do. I want you to feel armed with strategies. I want you to be confident you can gain ground in improving your relationship.
These examples give a basic problem and at least one idea for a solution. So start here and explore. Pick one or more and implement. Consistency and persistence are your friends!
Problem: Your partner accuses you of smirking or some other facial expression, even speaking with a “tone”.
Solution: Use a hand mirror and look yourself in the eyes while you’re speaking. You might be surprised at how expressive you actually are.
Problem: Your partner complains about something that doesn’t seem that important to you.
Solution: Compassion. This may be something that is important to them or they may just be making a bid for attention. Complaints are your partner’s gift to you. It’s a chance to know them a little better. Do not get defensive. Do get curious. Are you willing to negotiate here or is it worth you setting a boundary? Those are really your choices. Or you can argue about whether or not it really is important (who appointed you determiner of all that is important in the world?) or whether it applies to you or not.
Problem: Your partner makes a complaint about something you do.
Solution: Consider their point of view. Your partner wants the towels folded a certain way. Maybe they look nicer or maybe they fit in the cabinet better folded a certain way. Are you willing to change even though it means learning a new way to fold towels? Are you willing even to consider that their way is better? Again, your choices come down to negotiating a compromise or setting a boundary and refusing to negotiate. Argue about it for days, but the choice is still this simple.
Problem: You don’t make complaints about things that are important to you.
Solution: Speak up in integrity. You cannot survive long term in a relationship without voicing your own complaints. People who cannot speak up end up acting out their frustrations in many destructive ways. You owe it to yourself AND your partner to be open and honest. If it gets a bit messy, work on your approach, but remember, change is chaotic.
Problem: My partner seems very angry with me. I just want to retreat.
Solution: It’s natural instinct to want to avoid an emotional storm. This is your primal brain trying to keep you safe. Remind yourself that you are safe. You know perfectly well how to leave, fight, run away or call 9-1-1 if needed! You are safe. Angry words will not demolish you. You might be surprised that some of your partner's anger is due to feeling that you are running away from the issues. How to help your partner settle down? That’s the next problem.
Problem: My partner is so angry with me. They won’t settle down.
Solution: Listen for what your partner is truly saying to you. This requires you to let go of defensiveness. Take the following example:
Your partner: I come home from work every day to this disaster. I have to start my second job when I get home. No one does a darn thing around here except me.
You: You’re feeling overwhelmed and you want some help.
Your partner: Of course I do! You could at least pitch in and do the things that need to be done. A little bit of help would be the least you could do.
You: You want me to take responsibility for some of the chores around here. That would make you feel more at ease.
Your partner: Yes!
You: OK, let’s make a list of chores and divvy them up.
Problem solved! Of course there’s lots of ways it could go sideways, but you notice that you didn’t display any defensiveness in this scenario. You accepted that what your partner was saying was true for them. You offered to negotiate and help solve their problem.
Problem: My partner is critical of something they do too.
Solution: Change the behavior in yourself whether or not your partner changes also. You can still speak your truth about this but do so knowing that your behavior is an example not a caution.
Problem: I get defensive when my partner makes a complaint.
Solution: Change your strategy. Agree excessively with your partner, not in a sarcastic way. If your partner complains that the laundry isn’t done, say, “I know! We may have to go buy new underwear if I don’t get it done soon!” A response that’s non-defensive AND light hearted may just release the tension around the issue. Arguing or making excuses about why it’s not done just gives your partner a reason to continue the grilling.
Problem: My partner criticizes everything I do.
Solution: Get reality based. Everything you do? I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. Sometimes criticism helps your partner feel in control of your relationship. Sometimes it’s a way of getting your attention. If you respond positively or light heartedly, you may notice a change in your partner. Remember if we need attention, we’ll get it in the most reliable way. Do you need to give your partner some positive attention?
Problem: Something’s wrong with my partner because they are quiet.
Solution: It’s easy to assume that your partner’s behavior means the same thing that it would mean if you were demonstrating that behavior. For example, when I’m upset, I often get quiet. It’s easy for me to assume that when my partner is quiet, he’s also upset. Recognizing that I’m making an assumption here, my best practice is to ASK. “You seem a little quiet. Is everything ok?” Then wait. Often, it might be as simple as “I’m tired” or maybe they just were feeling a quiet moment. Don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling. They get to be in charge of that.
Problem: My partner gets upset and then won’t tell me what is going on.
Solution: Let your partner know that you’re very willing to hear what they’re upset about. Also allow your partner to be a grown up and talk about what’s bothering them instead of being passive aggressive with the silent treatment.
Problem: The moment I make a complaint to my partner, they get angry.
Solution: Defensiveness is a protective mechanism, so if your partner is into defensiveness, they are feeling threatened in some way. Can you modify your approach? My guess is if your partner feels safer, they may become less defensive over time. Try having potentially difficult situations in a Lover’s Embrace (see below). It’s very difficult to hold a nurturing embrace and become defensive.
A Lover’s Embrace: This is a technique for building closeness. It should feel safe for both parties. If not, then don’t use this. This can be helpful to creating a sense of closeness at any time, but also to create a space for discussing potentially difficult things. When you feel a sense of safety, your fear will be lessened. I suggest you practice talking in a lover’s embrace to enhance the association with safety. I’ll often assign couples the lover’s embrace while asking open ended questions (I have a list).
This is what it looks like:
These examples give a basic problem and at least one idea for a solution. So start here and explore. Pick one or more and implement. Consistency and persistence are your friends!
Problem: Your partner accuses you of smirking or some other facial expression, even speaking with a “tone”.
Solution: Use a hand mirror and look yourself in the eyes while you’re speaking. You might be surprised at how expressive you actually are.
Problem: Your partner complains about something that doesn’t seem that important to you.
Solution: Compassion. This may be something that is important to them or they may just be making a bid for attention. Complaints are your partner’s gift to you. It’s a chance to know them a little better. Do not get defensive. Do get curious. Are you willing to negotiate here or is it worth you setting a boundary? Those are really your choices. Or you can argue about whether or not it really is important (who appointed you determiner of all that is important in the world?) or whether it applies to you or not.
Problem: Your partner makes a complaint about something you do.
Solution: Consider their point of view. Your partner wants the towels folded a certain way. Maybe they look nicer or maybe they fit in the cabinet better folded a certain way. Are you willing to change even though it means learning a new way to fold towels? Are you willing even to consider that their way is better? Again, your choices come down to negotiating a compromise or setting a boundary and refusing to negotiate. Argue about it for days, but the choice is still this simple.
Problem: You don’t make complaints about things that are important to you.
Solution: Speak up in integrity. You cannot survive long term in a relationship without voicing your own complaints. People who cannot speak up end up acting out their frustrations in many destructive ways. You owe it to yourself AND your partner to be open and honest. If it gets a bit messy, work on your approach, but remember, change is chaotic.
Problem: My partner seems very angry with me. I just want to retreat.
Solution: It’s natural instinct to want to avoid an emotional storm. This is your primal brain trying to keep you safe. Remind yourself that you are safe. You know perfectly well how to leave, fight, run away or call 9-1-1 if needed! You are safe. Angry words will not demolish you. You might be surprised that some of your partner's anger is due to feeling that you are running away from the issues. How to help your partner settle down? That’s the next problem.
Problem: My partner is so angry with me. They won’t settle down.
Solution: Listen for what your partner is truly saying to you. This requires you to let go of defensiveness. Take the following example:
Your partner: I come home from work every day to this disaster. I have to start my second job when I get home. No one does a darn thing around here except me.
You: You’re feeling overwhelmed and you want some help.
Your partner: Of course I do! You could at least pitch in and do the things that need to be done. A little bit of help would be the least you could do.
You: You want me to take responsibility for some of the chores around here. That would make you feel more at ease.
Your partner: Yes!
You: OK, let’s make a list of chores and divvy them up.
Problem solved! Of course there’s lots of ways it could go sideways, but you notice that you didn’t display any defensiveness in this scenario. You accepted that what your partner was saying was true for them. You offered to negotiate and help solve their problem.
Problem: My partner is critical of something they do too.
Solution: Change the behavior in yourself whether or not your partner changes also. You can still speak your truth about this but do so knowing that your behavior is an example not a caution.
Problem: I get defensive when my partner makes a complaint.
Solution: Change your strategy. Agree excessively with your partner, not in a sarcastic way. If your partner complains that the laundry isn’t done, say, “I know! We may have to go buy new underwear if I don’t get it done soon!” A response that’s non-defensive AND light hearted may just release the tension around the issue. Arguing or making excuses about why it’s not done just gives your partner a reason to continue the grilling.
Problem: My partner criticizes everything I do.
Solution: Get reality based. Everything you do? I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. Sometimes criticism helps your partner feel in control of your relationship. Sometimes it’s a way of getting your attention. If you respond positively or light heartedly, you may notice a change in your partner. Remember if we need attention, we’ll get it in the most reliable way. Do you need to give your partner some positive attention?
Problem: Something’s wrong with my partner because they are quiet.
Solution: It’s easy to assume that your partner’s behavior means the same thing that it would mean if you were demonstrating that behavior. For example, when I’m upset, I often get quiet. It’s easy for me to assume that when my partner is quiet, he’s also upset. Recognizing that I’m making an assumption here, my best practice is to ASK. “You seem a little quiet. Is everything ok?” Then wait. Often, it might be as simple as “I’m tired” or maybe they just were feeling a quiet moment. Don’t assume you know what your partner is feeling. They get to be in charge of that.
Problem: My partner gets upset and then won’t tell me what is going on.
Solution: Let your partner know that you’re very willing to hear what they’re upset about. Also allow your partner to be a grown up and talk about what’s bothering them instead of being passive aggressive with the silent treatment.
Problem: The moment I make a complaint to my partner, they get angry.
Solution: Defensiveness is a protective mechanism, so if your partner is into defensiveness, they are feeling threatened in some way. Can you modify your approach? My guess is if your partner feels safer, they may become less defensive over time. Try having potentially difficult situations in a Lover’s Embrace (see below). It’s very difficult to hold a nurturing embrace and become defensive.
A Lover’s Embrace: This is a technique for building closeness. It should feel safe for both parties. If not, then don’t use this. This can be helpful to creating a sense of closeness at any time, but also to create a space for discussing potentially difficult things. When you feel a sense of safety, your fear will be lessened. I suggest you practice talking in a lover’s embrace to enhance the association with safety. I’ll often assign couples the lover’s embrace while asking open ended questions (I have a list).
This is what it looks like:
Obviously, this is not yoga class, and you don’t have to do it naked, but this embrace can be easily obtained on a sofa. One person sits on the sofa, while the other person lies on the sofa, facing the back of the sofa and bringing the hearts together. Another illustration which might give you an idea:
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Problem: My partner never wants to talk about issues.
Solution: Evaluate whether you’re talking too much, aka nagging. Many people feel threatened when complaints are made. Continued discussion of complaints creates an air of defensiveness and when that happens it’s all shut down. I don’t want to be sexist because I have seen both men and women play both roles here, but there are masculine and feminine approaches to talking. A more masculine way is to identify the problem and then find a way to resolve it. Very action oriented. A more feminine way is to discuss the problem, understand the feelings around the problem and then come to consensus about how to solve the problem. All without hurting anyone’s feelings preferably. How are you approaching an issue? Can you shift your approach towards a more opposite method? If your approach is more feminine, maybe you just need to say, “Look if you want your laundry done, you have to get it in the basket.” If your approach is more masculine, maybe you need to say, “I really want to make sure you have clean clothes. Can we agree facilitating laundry is important? We all have to have ownership of getting it done. Can you please be my partner in accomplishing this? It would be really helpful if you would bring your laundry to the hamper. Would you mind doing that for me? I would really appreciate it.” I’m sure you had a strong reaction to one of those. The one you reacted negatively to is not your natural style of communication and it may be an area of growth for you.
Problem: My partner won’t sit down and talk to me.
Solution: Try NOT sitting down and talking. Observe the way that many men “talk”. It’s while playing basketball or fixing a car. Sometimes incorporating discussions into an activity is just what is needed. While a more feminine communicator wants to focus and look each other in the eye, a more masculine communicator may be intimidated by that. They may feel more at ease having something else to focus on while having a difficult conversation. This might be as easy as taking a drive. While driving you’re absorbed in the activity to a certain degree, but still have enough bandwidth to have a conversation.
Problem: I’m always chasing my partner to try to get them to talk to me.
Solution: Stop chasing them. There’s a common pattern in relationships called a pursuer-distancer. The distancer likely feels anxious (like they are BEING chased!) and will withdraw in a type of panic. They feel pushed into a corner and they are not going to relax unless they feel you have retreated some. In other words, back up and make a little space for your partner to open into. This doesn’t mean you back off in anger. It doesn’t mean you give up on them. It means you say, “OK, I’m going to go do xxxx. When you’re ready to talk let me know.”
Problem: I’m feeling disconnected from my partner.
Solution: Implement a 6 second kiss! Next time you’re tempted to brush a peck across your partner’s cheek, do this instead. Take their face in your hands and kiss them on the lips, lingering there for 6 seconds. That ain’t your grandma peck on the cheek! Do one of these every day and your partner will be shocked out of their complacency.
Problem: I don’t feel like I relate to my partner at all.
Solution: Our relationships are mirrors to ourselves. If you’re feeling that you’re not relating to your partner, I’d ask if you feel you’re relating to yourself. Are you going through some changes of your own? Grow within yourself. As you focus more on you, you may notice that you see your partner more clearly. Your partner may become curious about you and join in some of your new ventures.
Problem: My partner just shuts down when we disagree.
Solution: Help your partner feel safer. Many of us handle anger by withdrawing. When our partner sees that as disregard for our thoughts or feelings, we often “up the ante” so to speak. We talk louder, stronger, etc. just to get a response from our partner. Again, if your partner is withdrawing, they feel unsafe. Your job is to make them feel as safe as possible. That may mean allowing them to calm down. I’ve had some couples that will throw a “grenade” or a serious topic of conversation out there and then let the withdrawer sit with it for a while until they can handle a conversation. This is one of the hardest behavior changes to make because the withdrawer often feels they are behaving in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse. Unfortunately, that really isn’t true because the pursuing partner perceives the withdrawer doesn’t care. This is also one of the most damaging behaviors that are present in relationships. It’s what Dr. John Gottman calls stonewalling. It’s very unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
Problem: My partner should know what to say or do. We’ve been together long enough.
Solution: Get over yourself. No other human on earth can fully know another. If you want to withhold your thoughts and feelings from your partner, don’t make yourself a victim by saying something like the above statement. The truth is, we’d like our partner to be 100% empathic and be able to read our minds…..on second thought, and thank god my partner can’t read my mind! Our partners need and WANT our positive feedback on how to be more connected. Holding resentment when you haven’t directly and clearly communicated what you want and need is not beneficial for anyone.
Problem: My partner doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me.
Solution: Consider that maybe that’s true! We all have different levels of need for togetherness. Maybe your partner feels comfortable with the level you’re at. Talk with them about it. Ask, “Do you feel that we’re spending enough time together?” If they also feel disconnected, then you can make a plan to change things. But if your partner feels things are fine the way they are, they may not see it as a priority to schedule date night. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much as you love them. It means they have a different need for togetherness. If it is a priority to you, let them know and take charge of scheduling it!
Problem: My partner complains all the time.
Solution: Look at your partner’s complaints as a clue. They are telling you what they need. Even if their complaints don’t need a response from you, think about what it’s telling you. For example: complaining about their boss at work may mean they are feeling unappreciated. There may be an opportunity for you to fill that need. Them complaining that they are feeling unappreciated by YOU is also a gift. Instead of getting defensive, what if you inject some light heartedness into the conversation and give them what they are looking for.
Problem: If I have to tell my partner that I need something, it’s not worth having.
Solution: Give up this thinking. Knowing what you need and taking action to get that need met is self-empowerment. Whether it is a raise, flowers or a spa day, you asking for something increases its value because YOU are acknowledging you need and deserve it. It’s nice when other people recognize this too, but you cannot rely on other people to see value in you unless you see it in yourself first.
Problem: I don’t feel very connected with my partner. It doesn’t seem quite safe.
Solution: Make a list of 10 BEHAVIORS that your partner does that make you feel safe and secure. For example, holding me closely on the couch. Or taking my car to get the oil changed. Sit down and talk with your partner about feeling disconnected. Let them know that connection is really about feeling safe and secure. Tell them about the things on the list and how they make you feel. Your partner will likely go crazy trying to do all those things on your list. Even more fun, keep track on a daily basis of something your partner has done that made you feel safe and secure. At the end of the week, sit down and tell them about it. Keep that up and you’re likely to fall in love all over again.
Problem: I feel like I don’t know my partner anymore.
Solution: Get to know them. We all change. The problem isn’t that you don’t know your partner. The problem is your partner isn’t the same person you’ve come to expect. That doesn’t mean it’s worse! Over the years, I’ve become a person that enjoys more time at home alone than going out and partying. If my husband still expected me to enjoy the night life like I did in my younger years, I’d be disappointing him. He doesn’t like doing risky stuff in the same way he did when I met him either! While we enjoyed those things about each other, we’ve also accepted each other the way we are now. If we weren’t aware of the changes in each other, we’d be feeling like we didn’t know each other anymore. Give your new and improved partner a chance. Take time with an open mind and get to know them.
Problem: We’ve got so many issues we can’t even discuss things.
Solution: Maybe you need to take a break from discussion. Improving a relationship can be approached from 2 directions. You can take bad stuff out or you can put more good stuff in. Focus on improving the good stuff for a while. It’s a lot easier to handle the bad stuff when you’ve got a bunch of good stuff going on. Is there an activity you can do with your partner and leave any heavy conversation for another time? Have fun. Can you make a commitment to put conflict on hold and pack in some good times? See the next solution as well.
Problem: I’m having a hard time feeling positively about my partner.
Solution: Be willing to work on it. Anger and bad feelings are tough to ignore. They are telling us that something’s not right in our relationship. Often we feel so disturbed we focus all our energy on the problem. In this situation, I encourage people to start a journal with one purpose, identifying things they appreciate about their partner. I’ve had people say they appreciated their partner folding the socks, picking up dinner, or making a corny joke. Doing a journal does a couple of things. First of all, it sets you up to be continuously looking for things to appreciate about your partner. When you are looking for things to appreciate, you will find what you’re looking for. Taking time to stop and write these things down allows you to not only experience the thing you appreciated, but also to relive it and solidify it by writing it down.
Problem: My partner is having a hard time appreciating me.
Solution: Notice what your partner appreciates. Often we’d like appreciation for doing things like dishes or taking the trash out. Those aren’t usually things that get noticed so don’t think that just because you do those things, your partner owes you their appreciation. Find the things that they really do appreciate. It might be making their favorite dish, or getting up early and making coffee, or ironing their shirt. Don’t do things simply for an expression of appreciation, but because you know they do appreciate it. Oh, and don’t throw it up to them later!
Problem: I feel like my partner just takes me for granted.
Solution: If you feel this way, you are probably taking yourself for granted also. If we apply good self-care, we don’t feel taken for granted. We feel full, nurturing and that we have plenty to give to others. If your partner is taking you for granted, is that what’s keeping you overstressed? Do you need your partner’s permission to take a break, go work out, get coffee with a friend? If you think so (or if it’s true), there’s some boundary violation going on here! Set some boundaries for yourself and stop taking yourself and your ability to give for granted.
Problem: I just don’t feel the same way about my partner.
Solution: Remember feelings are just that. Today we feel one way and then next day we feel another. I don’t know if your feelings will ever change, but you can change your thoughts and your behaviors. Often that nudges your feelings into alignment. Have you done the work to address your thoughts and behaviors? If not, don’t give up on feelings yet.
Problem: If my partner loved me, they wouldn’t act that way.
Solution: If you’re being abused, set a boundary. No one should be fearful of their own personal safety in their relationship. If safety is one of the things we get into relationship for, why would we stay where we don’t feel safe?
Otherwise, release your preconceived notions of how people are supposed to act when they love you. If you get passionate during an argument and I grew up in an abusive household, all that yelling is going to freak me out. I might think, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me like that.” Yet, how many examples of couples do we have that love each other immensely and yell and scream at each other? “If he loved me, he’d bring me flowers.” Says who? Flowers are no proof that he loves you. “If she loved me, she wouldn’t criticize me.” She could love you very much, but just have a critical nature. It’d be nice if she could soften a bit, but that’s not proof that she doesn’t love you.
Solution: Evaluate whether you’re talking too much, aka nagging. Many people feel threatened when complaints are made. Continued discussion of complaints creates an air of defensiveness and when that happens it’s all shut down. I don’t want to be sexist because I have seen both men and women play both roles here, but there are masculine and feminine approaches to talking. A more masculine way is to identify the problem and then find a way to resolve it. Very action oriented. A more feminine way is to discuss the problem, understand the feelings around the problem and then come to consensus about how to solve the problem. All without hurting anyone’s feelings preferably. How are you approaching an issue? Can you shift your approach towards a more opposite method? If your approach is more feminine, maybe you just need to say, “Look if you want your laundry done, you have to get it in the basket.” If your approach is more masculine, maybe you need to say, “I really want to make sure you have clean clothes. Can we agree facilitating laundry is important? We all have to have ownership of getting it done. Can you please be my partner in accomplishing this? It would be really helpful if you would bring your laundry to the hamper. Would you mind doing that for me? I would really appreciate it.” I’m sure you had a strong reaction to one of those. The one you reacted negatively to is not your natural style of communication and it may be an area of growth for you.
Problem: My partner won’t sit down and talk to me.
Solution: Try NOT sitting down and talking. Observe the way that many men “talk”. It’s while playing basketball or fixing a car. Sometimes incorporating discussions into an activity is just what is needed. While a more feminine communicator wants to focus and look each other in the eye, a more masculine communicator may be intimidated by that. They may feel more at ease having something else to focus on while having a difficult conversation. This might be as easy as taking a drive. While driving you’re absorbed in the activity to a certain degree, but still have enough bandwidth to have a conversation.
Problem: I’m always chasing my partner to try to get them to talk to me.
Solution: Stop chasing them. There’s a common pattern in relationships called a pursuer-distancer. The distancer likely feels anxious (like they are BEING chased!) and will withdraw in a type of panic. They feel pushed into a corner and they are not going to relax unless they feel you have retreated some. In other words, back up and make a little space for your partner to open into. This doesn’t mean you back off in anger. It doesn’t mean you give up on them. It means you say, “OK, I’m going to go do xxxx. When you’re ready to talk let me know.”
Problem: I’m feeling disconnected from my partner.
Solution: Implement a 6 second kiss! Next time you’re tempted to brush a peck across your partner’s cheek, do this instead. Take their face in your hands and kiss them on the lips, lingering there for 6 seconds. That ain’t your grandma peck on the cheek! Do one of these every day and your partner will be shocked out of their complacency.
Problem: I don’t feel like I relate to my partner at all.
Solution: Our relationships are mirrors to ourselves. If you’re feeling that you’re not relating to your partner, I’d ask if you feel you’re relating to yourself. Are you going through some changes of your own? Grow within yourself. As you focus more on you, you may notice that you see your partner more clearly. Your partner may become curious about you and join in some of your new ventures.
Problem: My partner just shuts down when we disagree.
Solution: Help your partner feel safer. Many of us handle anger by withdrawing. When our partner sees that as disregard for our thoughts or feelings, we often “up the ante” so to speak. We talk louder, stronger, etc. just to get a response from our partner. Again, if your partner is withdrawing, they feel unsafe. Your job is to make them feel as safe as possible. That may mean allowing them to calm down. I’ve had some couples that will throw a “grenade” or a serious topic of conversation out there and then let the withdrawer sit with it for a while until they can handle a conversation. This is one of the hardest behavior changes to make because the withdrawer often feels they are behaving in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse. Unfortunately, that really isn’t true because the pursuing partner perceives the withdrawer doesn’t care. This is also one of the most damaging behaviors that are present in relationships. It’s what Dr. John Gottman calls stonewalling. It’s very unhealthy and needs to be addressed.
Problem: My partner should know what to say or do. We’ve been together long enough.
Solution: Get over yourself. No other human on earth can fully know another. If you want to withhold your thoughts and feelings from your partner, don’t make yourself a victim by saying something like the above statement. The truth is, we’d like our partner to be 100% empathic and be able to read our minds…..on second thought, and thank god my partner can’t read my mind! Our partners need and WANT our positive feedback on how to be more connected. Holding resentment when you haven’t directly and clearly communicated what you want and need is not beneficial for anyone.
Problem: My partner doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me.
Solution: Consider that maybe that’s true! We all have different levels of need for togetherness. Maybe your partner feels comfortable with the level you’re at. Talk with them about it. Ask, “Do you feel that we’re spending enough time together?” If they also feel disconnected, then you can make a plan to change things. But if your partner feels things are fine the way they are, they may not see it as a priority to schedule date night. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you as much as you love them. It means they have a different need for togetherness. If it is a priority to you, let them know and take charge of scheduling it!
Problem: My partner complains all the time.
Solution: Look at your partner’s complaints as a clue. They are telling you what they need. Even if their complaints don’t need a response from you, think about what it’s telling you. For example: complaining about their boss at work may mean they are feeling unappreciated. There may be an opportunity for you to fill that need. Them complaining that they are feeling unappreciated by YOU is also a gift. Instead of getting defensive, what if you inject some light heartedness into the conversation and give them what they are looking for.
Problem: If I have to tell my partner that I need something, it’s not worth having.
Solution: Give up this thinking. Knowing what you need and taking action to get that need met is self-empowerment. Whether it is a raise, flowers or a spa day, you asking for something increases its value because YOU are acknowledging you need and deserve it. It’s nice when other people recognize this too, but you cannot rely on other people to see value in you unless you see it in yourself first.
Problem: I don’t feel very connected with my partner. It doesn’t seem quite safe.
Solution: Make a list of 10 BEHAVIORS that your partner does that make you feel safe and secure. For example, holding me closely on the couch. Or taking my car to get the oil changed. Sit down and talk with your partner about feeling disconnected. Let them know that connection is really about feeling safe and secure. Tell them about the things on the list and how they make you feel. Your partner will likely go crazy trying to do all those things on your list. Even more fun, keep track on a daily basis of something your partner has done that made you feel safe and secure. At the end of the week, sit down and tell them about it. Keep that up and you’re likely to fall in love all over again.
Problem: I feel like I don’t know my partner anymore.
Solution: Get to know them. We all change. The problem isn’t that you don’t know your partner. The problem is your partner isn’t the same person you’ve come to expect. That doesn’t mean it’s worse! Over the years, I’ve become a person that enjoys more time at home alone than going out and partying. If my husband still expected me to enjoy the night life like I did in my younger years, I’d be disappointing him. He doesn’t like doing risky stuff in the same way he did when I met him either! While we enjoyed those things about each other, we’ve also accepted each other the way we are now. If we weren’t aware of the changes in each other, we’d be feeling like we didn’t know each other anymore. Give your new and improved partner a chance. Take time with an open mind and get to know them.
Problem: We’ve got so many issues we can’t even discuss things.
Solution: Maybe you need to take a break from discussion. Improving a relationship can be approached from 2 directions. You can take bad stuff out or you can put more good stuff in. Focus on improving the good stuff for a while. It’s a lot easier to handle the bad stuff when you’ve got a bunch of good stuff going on. Is there an activity you can do with your partner and leave any heavy conversation for another time? Have fun. Can you make a commitment to put conflict on hold and pack in some good times? See the next solution as well.
Problem: I’m having a hard time feeling positively about my partner.
Solution: Be willing to work on it. Anger and bad feelings are tough to ignore. They are telling us that something’s not right in our relationship. Often we feel so disturbed we focus all our energy on the problem. In this situation, I encourage people to start a journal with one purpose, identifying things they appreciate about their partner. I’ve had people say they appreciated their partner folding the socks, picking up dinner, or making a corny joke. Doing a journal does a couple of things. First of all, it sets you up to be continuously looking for things to appreciate about your partner. When you are looking for things to appreciate, you will find what you’re looking for. Taking time to stop and write these things down allows you to not only experience the thing you appreciated, but also to relive it and solidify it by writing it down.
Problem: My partner is having a hard time appreciating me.
Solution: Notice what your partner appreciates. Often we’d like appreciation for doing things like dishes or taking the trash out. Those aren’t usually things that get noticed so don’t think that just because you do those things, your partner owes you their appreciation. Find the things that they really do appreciate. It might be making their favorite dish, or getting up early and making coffee, or ironing their shirt. Don’t do things simply for an expression of appreciation, but because you know they do appreciate it. Oh, and don’t throw it up to them later!
Problem: I feel like my partner just takes me for granted.
Solution: If you feel this way, you are probably taking yourself for granted also. If we apply good self-care, we don’t feel taken for granted. We feel full, nurturing and that we have plenty to give to others. If your partner is taking you for granted, is that what’s keeping you overstressed? Do you need your partner’s permission to take a break, go work out, get coffee with a friend? If you think so (or if it’s true), there’s some boundary violation going on here! Set some boundaries for yourself and stop taking yourself and your ability to give for granted.
Problem: I just don’t feel the same way about my partner.
Solution: Remember feelings are just that. Today we feel one way and then next day we feel another. I don’t know if your feelings will ever change, but you can change your thoughts and your behaviors. Often that nudges your feelings into alignment. Have you done the work to address your thoughts and behaviors? If not, don’t give up on feelings yet.
Problem: If my partner loved me, they wouldn’t act that way.
Solution: If you’re being abused, set a boundary. No one should be fearful of their own personal safety in their relationship. If safety is one of the things we get into relationship for, why would we stay where we don’t feel safe?
Otherwise, release your preconceived notions of how people are supposed to act when they love you. If you get passionate during an argument and I grew up in an abusive household, all that yelling is going to freak me out. I might think, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t yell at me like that.” Yet, how many examples of couples do we have that love each other immensely and yell and scream at each other? “If he loved me, he’d bring me flowers.” Says who? Flowers are no proof that he loves you. “If she loved me, she wouldn’t criticize me.” She could love you very much, but just have a critical nature. It’d be nice if she could soften a bit, but that’s not proof that she doesn’t love you.