Why We Love Who We Love
Do you ever wonder why you were attracted to your partner? Are you ever afraid if you end this relationship, you’ll just end up with another partner with the same issues? There’s a universal law called the Law of Attraction. It says, “We find what we’re looking for”.
Now don’t think I’m getting all woo woo on you. This actually makes perfect, logical sense. Let me explain.
If I’m afraid of being with someone who’s verbally abusive, I focus my attention on that. I worry about it. I hope and pray I don’t end up with someone like that. When I start a relationship, I’ve focused so much on it, I’m expecting that person to be abusive. So I may accept the little signs of potential abusiveness and overlook them because after all, that’s not really abuse. Pretty soon I’ve gotten a lot invested in the relationship. The more comfortable my partner feels, the more abusive they may become. I might be unsure of how to handle it at that point. I love the person, don’t want to leave them, but all the pleading, begging and demanding they change their behavior doesn’t seem to work. I’m stuck.
Well, I did find what I was looking for. I focused on what I didn’t want and I created a situation that perfectly got me that. I was so busy guarding against what I didn’t want, I completely forgot to look for what I did want.
So let’s switch this around. I don’t want to be with someone who’s verbally abusive. So, I focus on what I DO want. I want someone who’s kind, loving, and supportive. When I start a relationship, I’m focusing on seeing those behaviors. I see my partner as kind, loving and supportive. If my partner acts in a way that’s incongruent (abusively), it’s going to be immediately visible to me.
Now I still have to make a decision about this relationship, but if I clear about the things I want, I’m going to easily eliminate the things I don’t want.
Take another example. You go into a restaurant. You’re really hungry and you’ve been thinking of their amazing soup all day. You have fully visualized what you want. You’ve fantasized and probably even tasted it in your head. You get to the restaurant and they tell you they’re out of soup. You’re devastated. They can’t deliver what you set your mind upon wanting. They may have many other wonderful options, but because it wasn’t what you wanted, you end up feeling dissatisfied.
You deserve to have what you want in a relationship. I’m not telling you to give up on your current relationship however, just keep on reading.
The Physiology of love
Love is a very interesting topic. It’s begun to be researched all over the world and the findings are pretty fascinating. As a species, we are built to be in relationship. Our brains are wired to fire off hormones that bond us to each other in certain situations. It’s often compared to the interactions drugs have on our brains. For this reason, you have to insert logic instead of riding on your love induced stupor.
Do you find that you fall in love very easily? You’d be right to question this. While there’s always a story out there about how a whirlwind romance turned into true love that lasted through the ages, there’s many more stories that show these hard and fast beginnings don’t end well. This is because in the beginning stages of a romance, we are not thinking clearly.
Severe swings in our emotions are not trustworthy. Think about a religious conversion. When someone is “touched by the holy spirit” they may make great changes in their lives. Unfortunately, these changes often cannot be maintained because there is no foundation for their new lifestyle. The same is true with love. If there isn’t a foundation to build on, the romance is fragile.
So does that mean that romantic interest can’t be trusted? Maybe. Remember, we’re all wired to be in relationship, so our biology is leading us in that direction. You are fooled by your emotions all the time and this is no different. If you’re in love with someone that’s verbally abusive to you, you can’t count on them changing. No matter what promises you make to each other, they may never come to see it your way; may never bother to change. You’ve got to decide then if being in a verbally abusive relationship is ok with you. Otherwise, you’re allowing yourself to be deluded.
Another way of seeing through the fog is to think about your partner’s behaviors long term. It might feel great to be taken on expensive vacations or to nice restaurants or to be showered with flowers and gifts. However, in a long term relationship, is that free spending behavior one you really want your partner to exhibit? Spending lots of money on frivolous things isn’t a great way to build security for your future. Of course, lots of us would complain about a potential partner taking us to an inexpensive restaurant and asking for a discount! But seriously, which one will make the best long term partner? If we’re clear about what’s important to us, we’ll make better judgements.
Now don’t think I’m getting all woo woo on you. This actually makes perfect, logical sense. Let me explain.
If I’m afraid of being with someone who’s verbally abusive, I focus my attention on that. I worry about it. I hope and pray I don’t end up with someone like that. When I start a relationship, I’ve focused so much on it, I’m expecting that person to be abusive. So I may accept the little signs of potential abusiveness and overlook them because after all, that’s not really abuse. Pretty soon I’ve gotten a lot invested in the relationship. The more comfortable my partner feels, the more abusive they may become. I might be unsure of how to handle it at that point. I love the person, don’t want to leave them, but all the pleading, begging and demanding they change their behavior doesn’t seem to work. I’m stuck.
Well, I did find what I was looking for. I focused on what I didn’t want and I created a situation that perfectly got me that. I was so busy guarding against what I didn’t want, I completely forgot to look for what I did want.
So let’s switch this around. I don’t want to be with someone who’s verbally abusive. So, I focus on what I DO want. I want someone who’s kind, loving, and supportive. When I start a relationship, I’m focusing on seeing those behaviors. I see my partner as kind, loving and supportive. If my partner acts in a way that’s incongruent (abusively), it’s going to be immediately visible to me.
Now I still have to make a decision about this relationship, but if I clear about the things I want, I’m going to easily eliminate the things I don’t want.
Take another example. You go into a restaurant. You’re really hungry and you’ve been thinking of their amazing soup all day. You have fully visualized what you want. You’ve fantasized and probably even tasted it in your head. You get to the restaurant and they tell you they’re out of soup. You’re devastated. They can’t deliver what you set your mind upon wanting. They may have many other wonderful options, but because it wasn’t what you wanted, you end up feeling dissatisfied.
You deserve to have what you want in a relationship. I’m not telling you to give up on your current relationship however, just keep on reading.
The Physiology of love
Love is a very interesting topic. It’s begun to be researched all over the world and the findings are pretty fascinating. As a species, we are built to be in relationship. Our brains are wired to fire off hormones that bond us to each other in certain situations. It’s often compared to the interactions drugs have on our brains. For this reason, you have to insert logic instead of riding on your love induced stupor.
Do you find that you fall in love very easily? You’d be right to question this. While there’s always a story out there about how a whirlwind romance turned into true love that lasted through the ages, there’s many more stories that show these hard and fast beginnings don’t end well. This is because in the beginning stages of a romance, we are not thinking clearly.
Severe swings in our emotions are not trustworthy. Think about a religious conversion. When someone is “touched by the holy spirit” they may make great changes in their lives. Unfortunately, these changes often cannot be maintained because there is no foundation for their new lifestyle. The same is true with love. If there isn’t a foundation to build on, the romance is fragile.
So does that mean that romantic interest can’t be trusted? Maybe. Remember, we’re all wired to be in relationship, so our biology is leading us in that direction. You are fooled by your emotions all the time and this is no different. If you’re in love with someone that’s verbally abusive to you, you can’t count on them changing. No matter what promises you make to each other, they may never come to see it your way; may never bother to change. You’ve got to decide then if being in a verbally abusive relationship is ok with you. Otherwise, you’re allowing yourself to be deluded.
Another way of seeing through the fog is to think about your partner’s behaviors long term. It might feel great to be taken on expensive vacations or to nice restaurants or to be showered with flowers and gifts. However, in a long term relationship, is that free spending behavior one you really want your partner to exhibit? Spending lots of money on frivolous things isn’t a great way to build security for your future. Of course, lots of us would complain about a potential partner taking us to an inexpensive restaurant and asking for a discount! But seriously, which one will make the best long term partner? If we’re clear about what’s important to us, we’ll make better judgements.
Relationships are mirrors
Why we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to is still a mystery. Some theories say we’re attracted to people who feel like “home”. In some way they are familiar to us, so we feel more comfortable with these people. I’ve seen it happen over and over again that we’re attracted to people who represent both the best and the worst of our parents.
The problem with that is we probably didn’t really appreciate some of the worst things in our parents and so when it comes up with our partners, we’re very sensitive to it. These are usually the things that we get very upset about in our relationships. In this way, our partners serve as a mirror to reflect to us our underdeveloped parts.
In other words, they show us areas that need to be healed. For example, if we had an overbearing mother who over controlled things in our childhood, we might initially be attracted to a partner who also tended to be controlling. While this controlling felt familiar, we might also find we have a great sensitivity to it. It might end up being a source of great conflict. Maybe our area of growth is to be assertive with someone who’s controlling and our partner’s area of growth might be to learn to negotiate. So we find we’re ideally suited to help each other learn lessons we need to learn.
Why we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to is still a mystery. Some theories say we’re attracted to people who feel like “home”. In some way they are familiar to us, so we feel more comfortable with these people. I’ve seen it happen over and over again that we’re attracted to people who represent both the best and the worst of our parents.
The problem with that is we probably didn’t really appreciate some of the worst things in our parents and so when it comes up with our partners, we’re very sensitive to it. These are usually the things that we get very upset about in our relationships. In this way, our partners serve as a mirror to reflect to us our underdeveloped parts.
In other words, they show us areas that need to be healed. For example, if we had an overbearing mother who over controlled things in our childhood, we might initially be attracted to a partner who also tended to be controlling. While this controlling felt familiar, we might also find we have a great sensitivity to it. It might end up being a source of great conflict. Maybe our area of growth is to be assertive with someone who’s controlling and our partner’s area of growth might be to learn to negotiate. So we find we’re ideally suited to help each other learn lessons we need to learn.
Self love & Integrity
The number 1 thing anyone can do to improve their relationship is to love themselves. If you don’t love yourself, no one else can ever give you enough to fill the void. This isn’t narcissism which is a whole separate problem. This is self respect, self esteem, or self care. This is honoring your own opinion as much as you honor anyone else’s.
Often, we think a romantic partner will make us feel “whole”. Certainly in the early stages of romance, we feel a positive energy pouring into us that makes us feel complete. The truth is, this is part of the love induced stupor and if we don’t love ourselves, soon our partner will reflect that back to us.
I’ve started to talk about self love and integrity together because that can usually show us where we’re getting off track. If I’m in integrity, I speak my truth. If I don’t want Chinese for dinner, I say so. If I prefer the pillows off the couch, I say so. This doesn’t mean I always get my way. In relationships, there’s always room for compromise. But this means that I value my own wishes and I don’t suppress them in deference to anyone else.
So when you’re in that love induced stupor, you might be willing to overlook or accept things that aren’t aligned with what you truly want. Eventually, these things are going to be irritants in the relationship. How many relationships have ended because of incompatibility?
For example, if you are an extremely tidy person and you find yourself attracted to someone who is a bit of a slob, it might seem sweet in the beginning. Cleaning up after them is a way you can show them how much you love them. When you pick up dirty socks for the 1,675th time however, you’re probably not going to find it too cute! You have to weigh these practical things and be in integrity with yourself.
My father was an alcoholic. My first husband was an alcoholic. This was something that became a nonnegotiable to me. Had I not taken time to realize that I wanted a partner that drank only occasionally, I might have repeated a pattern of being involved in relationships where alcohol use played a major role. Because I knew what I wanted if I noticed anyone who used alcohol more than occasionally, I steered clear.
When you live in integrity, you will attract what you want because you won’t tolerate anything less. If I am clear about wanting that supportive loving partner, I’ll respond to the first sign of abuse and make it clear that’s not acceptable because that is in integrity with what I want. If the person can’t control that aspect of themselves, they won’t be in my sphere for very long. I only accept someone who is aligned with my desires. This is one way of living with integrity.
Release others from your bondage
When we realize our relationship isn’t what we thought, we find ourselves in a tangle of emotions. Usually we set about trying to convince and cajole our partner into changing. Convinced that they have let us down in some way, we try to show them they’re wrong and we’re right and explaining how they need to change. Either that, or if we’re really low on self love, we convince ourselves that it’s us that needs to change even if it’s not in integrity. This is what often happens with physical abuse. The victim believes they’ve done something to deserve the abuse instead of recognizing that physical violence is always wrong.
When it comes to another person’s behavior, we have two choices, accept it or try to change it. Accepting does not mean that you just suffer things. It means that you find a way to live in integrity while allowing your partner to do the same. For instance, you want to travel. Your partner has no interest in doing that. Does this mean that you give up your dream? Does this mean that you can’t be in a relationship with them any longer? No, it means that you find a way to live in integrity with yourself while allowing your partner to decide for themselves. If I was in this situation, I’d find a friend or a travel group and I’d make plans for some trips! Just because I don’t go with my partner doesn’t mean I can’t go! Would I prefer to go with my partner? Maybe, but if he wasn’t interested and just going to please me, it would probably put a damper on things anyway. Better to go with someone who’s enthusiastic and up for adventure.
Trying to change another person is a good way to make yourself miserable. You can go that route and many of us have, including me. Your partner’s choice to not change despite your requests may feel like it’s evidence they don’t care. So many little things get blown up out of proportion like this. I asked my husband to take out the trash and he didn’t. This behavior doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care. What it reflects is a different set of priorities. We all have our own integrity that we have to live with. If your partner doesn’t seem to share your priorities, you have to decide if you can live with it. I can probably take out the trash myself and not get too hung up on it. There might be some other non-negotiables I have though.
When we realize our relationship isn’t what we thought, we find ourselves in a tangle of emotions. Usually we set about trying to convince and cajole our partner into changing. Convinced that they have let us down in some way, we try to show them they’re wrong and we’re right and explaining how they need to change. Either that, or if we’re really low on self love, we convince ourselves that it’s us that needs to change even if it’s not in integrity. This is what often happens with physical abuse. The victim believes they’ve done something to deserve the abuse instead of recognizing that physical violence is always wrong.
When it comes to another person’s behavior, we have two choices, accept it or try to change it. Accepting does not mean that you just suffer things. It means that you find a way to live in integrity while allowing your partner to do the same. For instance, you want to travel. Your partner has no interest in doing that. Does this mean that you give up your dream? Does this mean that you can’t be in a relationship with them any longer? No, it means that you find a way to live in integrity with yourself while allowing your partner to decide for themselves. If I was in this situation, I’d find a friend or a travel group and I’d make plans for some trips! Just because I don’t go with my partner doesn’t mean I can’t go! Would I prefer to go with my partner? Maybe, but if he wasn’t interested and just going to please me, it would probably put a damper on things anyway. Better to go with someone who’s enthusiastic and up for adventure.
Trying to change another person is a good way to make yourself miserable. You can go that route and many of us have, including me. Your partner’s choice to not change despite your requests may feel like it’s evidence they don’t care. So many little things get blown up out of proportion like this. I asked my husband to take out the trash and he didn’t. This behavior doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care. What it reflects is a different set of priorities. We all have our own integrity that we have to live with. If your partner doesn’t seem to share your priorities, you have to decide if you can live with it. I can probably take out the trash myself and not get too hung up on it. There might be some other non-negotiables I have though.
So what are the take aways?
- The Law of Attraction is at work in relationships. Focus on clarity around what you’re looking for and you won’t tolerate anything else.
- Love puts us into a stupor. Being clear about what you want helps you remain logical in spite of this.
- Relationships are mirrors and they reflect the lessons we need to learn.
- Loving ourselves and being in integrity with our thoughts and actions helps us be our best selves in relationships.
- Trying to change other people puts them on trial with you as judge and jury.
