 If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, I feel for you. I had many alcoholic family members including my father. That baggage led me to marry an alcoholic the first time. Extricating or dealing with a relationship with an addict is a challenge. This article discusses some aspects of addiction. The most commonly used substance in the United States is alcohol. While alcohol is a legal psychoactive substance, it can be addicting. Many people from every social spectrum consume alcohol in many settings and never have long term adverse effects. In addition to alcohol, many mood altering substances are highly addictive and impair physical, social, and psychological functioning of persons who use them. As of this date, the latest National Survey on Drug Use and Health report is from 2016 and was published in 2017. You can view a copy of this report at this web address: https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/NSDUH-FFR1-2016/NSDUH-FFR1-2016.pdf The report provides the following facts:
While this report does reflect some positive trends, the problem of addiction takes a great toll on our culture. Especially disturbing is the growing evidence of the danger of opiods or herion. Generally addiction progresses through a fairly predictable cycle: experimentation, social use, dependency, addiction and hopefully, recovery. I illustrate these stages with alcohol use below: Experimentation: I have tasted alcohol and had some experience in drinking alcohol as a teenager and young adult. Alcohol has never really caused me too many problems. It has been limited due to availability and other barriers. Social use: Now, as an adult, I go to a restaurant on Friday nights with my girlfriends and co-workers. Alcohol becomes part of a relaxation ritual for me. Still my once a week drink is not creating any problems for me. Dependency: I start to view alcohol as an aid for relaxation. While going through a stressful time at work, I start to drink a glass of wine every night when I fix dinner for my family. My relaxation begins to become dependent on that glass of wine. Being a “drinker” starts to become integrated in my identity. I am a “drinker”. Note: Dependency has both a psychological and a physical component. Both are problematic. Addiction: I begin to develop a tolerance for alcohol, requiring me to use increasing amounts in order to feel the effects. Soon, I’m drinking a bottle of wine every night and it is causing great problems in my family, causing me to miss work, neglect my home, etc. I have crossed the line into addiction which will become a physical dependence if I continue. Recovery: Something occurs that prompts me to seek treatment and I discontinue my alcohol use, engage with a support system and begin to re-establish my life without substance use. Unfortunately, many times recovery is characterized by relapse. Hallmarks of successful recovery are sobriety, abstinence, social support, and active relapse prevention. How can you tell if someone will become addicted? There is currently no way to know this. Some people may use substances many times without having a problem and then at another point in their life, use and become immediately addicted. Infrequent use in small amounts generally will not require treatment. The person who uses in this manner will likely be able to stop use when they decide to. Often, legal, social, family or other types of sanctions will be enough of a threat to convince them to stop using substances. Treatment may be required for people who cannot stop substance use on their own. Without outside intervention, it is rare for an addicted person to be able to discontinue use for an extended period of time. Despite consequences, often extreme consequences, the addiction overpowers their will. The desire for use outweighs any of the external results. Treatment can decrease the economic and social costs of addiction. Additionally, there is much evidence that treatment is far less expensive than the real costs to our society. Multiple reports on the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) support this. You can review these articles at their site: https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications More on this topic later. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, find help through local resources or SAMHSA's website. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-treatment In the meantime, stay lovely! Allison PS-Sign up for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! SIGN UP HERE!
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Some qualities of relationships which often are present when affairs occur are high conflict, low emotional warmth, neglect of pleasure, and discomfort with emotional closeness by one partner. How can you use this information to strengthen your relationship? Building and reinforcing the qualities indicated above can be a great starting point. Using the embedded worksheet, you can identify areas where attention is needed. The lowest numbers indicated by either partner will direct your focus. For instance, if engagement is low for one partner, it may be helpful to learn some healthier means of addressing conflict. If excitement is low for the other spouse, perhaps they need to take some risks. Next: How do you know what to do about it? Agree on some concrete actions to work on. In our above example of engagement, determine what each partner pictures as “engagement”. Maybe one sees that as taking long walks holding hands and discussing issues. Maybe the other partner sees that as giving each other a kiss good bye every time they part. Everyone gets to have their own definition which means they are all valid!! Here’s the kicker……trade rating scales with each other. After all, the goal is each partner’s ratings will move higher and higher. What can each improve on that will lead to higher relationship satisfaction for their partner? Even small changes can lead to relationship improvements. (You do get credit for effort when you’re working on your relationship.) Sign up HERE for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! 
 Q-Can you fall for someone without actually meeting them face to face?
A-Absolutely! All you have to do is ask 5 of the couples you know and I bet at least one will have met online. People who meet this way often have the luxury of being themselves without the normal awkwardness that comes with getting to know someone in person. That depends on the people involved really being themselves though! There's also always the possibility that there won't actually be chemistry when you meet in person so I would hesitate before too much commitment. Becoming emotionally intimate with the right someone is very rewarding! Sometimes that can be easier online or indirectly than in person. Go for it! Best of Luck! Allison PS-Get on my email list to get Four Great Relationship Tips!
1. It’s ALL about you!
Relationships are our biggest teachers. Often they are our first voluntary “belonging” type relationships. This makes them unequaled in highlighting our weaknesses. When our belonging gets shaken, a primal evolutionary fear emerges. It pushes us to action which our history tells us will solve the problem, soothe the fear. Often, this action brings us exactly the opposite of what we want. We only have control over one person…..that’s ourselves. Focusing your energy and attention on what your partner needs to change is very inefficient. You’ve got to stay focused on the things you need to change. A relationship is a system and when you alter one part of a system, the whole thing changes. This is great news because that means you can create positive change in yourself and it will impact your relationship. 2. You will have to change. That’s the sad truth. You can’t count on your partner changing. Nothing’s going to change unless you do. What do you want to change? Change behaviors that are not contributing to the health of your relationship. We all have them. Changing means you’re going to have to behave in different ways than you currently do. Unfortunately, most of our behaviors are automatic. Just like changing any habit, you’ll have to put in effort to remember to change. The good news is, after you’ve established a new habit, it gets a lot easier. 3. You have to do it. You’ll have to spend time learning and practicing new behaviors. That implies a time commitment as well as consistency and persistence. Penciling in some reading time on Tuesday afternoons won’t cut it. Daily practice, every day, even when you feel that it’s not working is the definition of consistency and persistence. Harsh reality is, change doesn’t happen without some effort. If you’re not willing to do that, you might not want to improve your relationship as much as you think you do. Have you proclaimed, “I’m working so hard to make this work.” Or, “I’ll try anything to make this relationship better.” Then I don’t care if you think it’s silly or hard. You’ll do anything, right? If that’s true, then do it. Practice Time: Are you willing to be the change agent in your relationship? Can you devote time and attention to identifying and changing your own behaviors? Are you willing to be consistent and persistent with that attention for at least 90 days before giving it up? If so, you may well master your Relationship Game! Playing Through, Allison PS-Want to get more relationship tips and practical advice? Sign up for my email list HERE!
A-This is a BIG topic! The best way is to manage them is together with agreement on how to do that. It rarely happens that way without some negotiation that can get heated.
I’ve seen couples work with every possible configuration: Money together/separate; Bill money split between; One person pays for mortgage, the other utilities; One person gives the other an allowance; etc. I bet every couple I’ve ever worked with does it uniquely! In my experience, money represents different things to different people. To sort out how to handle money, you need to start there. For example, a wife gets anxious whenever the husband starts buying lots of stuff. She probably looks at money as safety and security. If her husband wants her to feel safe and secure, he needs to respect that. By the same token, if a husband looks at money as a means to have fun and adventure and that’s an important value to him, a wife needs to also respect that. Either of these attitudes can be taken to the extreme (as so many things in relationships can) a balance has to be created. Agreement on the low balance of the account, agreement on the amount to go in savings, agreement on entertainment budget. These can be hot button topics, but necessary conversations and negotiations. I find that when one person handles all the financial matters, it allows the other person to be in a bit of denial about the reality of the situation. That’s not good. Both people need to be involved in at least KNOWING what the situation is and making decisions around. Most importantly probably, in my opinion, is making an agreement in which both parties feel neither resentful nor taken advantage of. This is easier said than done. Lastly, I’ll say that financial infidelity has been the end of many relationships. Don’t be dishonest when managing your relationship finances! As always, start with your future vision and agree on the best means to accomplish in partnership. If you need help, get yourself a marriage therapist. Best of luck, hope that helps! Allison PS-If you haven't' signed up for my email list, what are you waiting for? Click over here.
A-You have to decide to. In every situation there is something you appreciate or be grateful for. For instance, if it's raining, you can be mesmerized by the drops hitting the puddles or be grateful that the plants will have what they need to grow. Stress hijacks our attention and focuses us on survival. But most situations really aren't that important and we have to recognize that we don't have to allow our thoughts to run away from us, we can control them with some practice. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tells us events and feelings are separate entities. Our thoughts about events are what lead to our feelings about it. For example, it’s raining. I think, “This sucks! There go my plans for today!” Then I end up feeling disappointed and bad. I can choose to think different thoughts that lead to different feelings. For example, I can think, “This sucks, and I’m disappointed, but maybe I can find something interesting to do inside today. Yeah, I got that new puzzle! I’m going to work on that today!” I’ve got a whole new feeling coming out of the same situation just by altering my thoughts. This can take some practice, but I’ve written lots of other articles addressing how our thoughts, feelings and behaviors impact each other. If you feel that you’re just depressed and can’t succeed in changing your thoughts, find a therapist that practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Best of luck, Allison PS-Give me your email and I'll send you my 4 favorite relationship tips! Click HERE!  We are biologically designed to seek belonging, both to communities and to other people. The stronger and more secure that sense of belonging, the more confident we are taking other risks in life.
From our early years, we learn to behave so we’re accepted by our peers and families. Anyone who’s experienced the pain of being bullied or ostracized from their peers knows that it can shake your confidence. One benefit of being in a committed relationship is the feeling of a solid foundation with our partner. From this foundation, we can face greater risks of “not belonging” out in the world. Our level of self-doubt is based on this feeling of belonging. As children, the more our families created that attachment, the more confidence we tapped into. Research shows our level of self confidence increases as our sense of belonging with our partner increases. This promotes greater personal and family functioning as the basic anxiety of belonging moves out of the forefront. Attachment security sets us up to take risks in other areas of our lives. We see things more rationally, aren’t as needy of approval. For example: That old saying, “behind every successful man is a good woman” illustrates this for us. Feeling that belonging at home allows work life to be more effective. When we KNOW we belong, it’s easier to risk rejection from other arenas. Exploring our self-doubt both individually and with our partner helps us learn. We begin to recognize how self-doubt causes us to behave in less than productive ways. Our partner begins to understand how to nurture our sense of belonging. And, if you’re lucky, vice versa. Is there an area of self-doubt that you struggle with? Can you make the link to your sense of belonging? Take time to work this out by asking a series of 5 Why questions. (Search this site if you don’t know what that is.) Share any insight below in the comments. Together with you, Allison Sign up for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! SIGN UP HERE!  There’s a saying that if you don’t care where you’re going any road will take you there.
You want to be deliberate about the road you’re travelling. In order to make lasting change, you have to set a goal. Setting a goal will help you Win Your Relationship Game, but there’s some planning to do first. Winning Your Relationship Game has a lot to do with habits and behavior change. Many of the lessons are based in research that’s proven to support positive relationships and behavior change. You aren’t going to rely on will power. Anyone who’s had to try to diet knows that will power is very unreliable. You’re going to set goals that allow you to capitalize on motivation. Your initial goal, I like to call a personal motivation statement. This is where you’d ultimately like to end up. Take just a minute and focus on what change you’d like to see in your relationship. What is it you’re hoping to improve? Now, go back and look at it again. Does it focus on changing something about your partner? You can’t change anyone’s behavior except your own, so if you thought about something your partner needs to change, think again!! This is the beginning of your personal motivation statement. Right now it can be fairly broad. As you go on, it will change, you’ll gain insight and tweak it to fit. Remember, this is the foundation for moving forward so it’s worth some thought. Having a Personal Motivation Statement is good, but to really ramp up your motivation, you have to know why that Personal Motivation Statement is important. You might be able to tell that I like to play games whenever I can. It makes life more fun. To clarify a Personal Motivation Statement I like to use a game called “The Five Whys”. The five whys are actually business concepts used to do what’s called root cause analysis. It’s also a really useful tool to help you dig deeper into your thoughts and feelings. Refer back to your personal motivation statement. You’re going to ask yourself WHY it’s important to you. You’ll get your answer and then you’ll ask again WHY that is important to you. Then you’ll have another answer and you’ll ask WHY that is important? You’ll continue to do this for five cycles. Don’t rush through this. If you are persistent, it will lead to a very clear idea of the value of your personal motivation statement To give an example: My Personal Motivation Statement might be: I want to feel closer to my partner. 1. Why is it important to feel closer to my partner? Because closeness feels good. 2. Why is it important to have the good feeling of being close? Because I feel more secure when I’m feeling close. 3. Why is it important to feel more secure? Because feeling more secure reduces my anxiety about belonging in my relationship. 4. Why is it important to have reduced anxiety about belonging? Because then I can be relaxed and really be myself. 5. Why is it important to feel more relaxed and be myself? Because then I feel have a stable foundation for all the other areas of my life. Just walking through this exercise reveals something deeper about of what is important to me. I know exactly why it’s important for me to be closer to my partner. It’s going to put me on the road of changing the right behaviors creating more closeness with my partner. That’s the basics of setting a Personal Motivation Statement about your relationship. Having a Personal Motivation Statement to focus on is a habit you can start today. It can be revised as needed, but every day, you want that statement front and center in your awareness. I want you to find such value in focusing on that statement so that by this by the time this program is over, you’ll continue to use it to motivate you to your goals. The recap:
Practice time: Take all the time you need to work through this. It should take you a while and it might be frustrating. Don’t rush it. If you have an answer that just doesn’t seem right, sit with it. Trust yourself. We all have a deep inner knowing, so when it’s your truth, you’ll know. If you get stuck, send me an email at allison@allisonvelez.com . I would love to hear from you! In the meantime, sign up for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! Sign Up HERE!  Experts say that 90% of communication is non verbal. For instance, I had a nervous habit of giggling when I was anxious. Someone confronted me about being flippant about a serious topic and I went to work changing that habit. Some aspects of what we call body language are outlined below. This is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how we communicate though. 1. Eye Contact-Maintaining good eye contact is a great method of becoming engaged with the speaker. It demonstrates focus and attentiveness to what is being spoken. There are some cultural implications with direct eye contact (and you should always have awareness of these), but for most people looking into the eyes of another person most of the time is essential to making them feel heard. 2. Smiling-In most cultures, a smile is a gesture of welcome and approval. Smiling encourages the speaker to continue speaking (good goal!). Conversely, frowning implies disapproval and should be avoided unless you are using this to accentuate a point. For instance, you might be puzzled by conflicting information. Displaying a frown while asking about this incongruence can accentuate the question about clarification. 3. Gestures-A lot of people “speak with their hands”. While this can be habitual, like saying umm, it is worthwhile to examine if you should tone down this particular habit. It can be extremely distracting to the speaker. Not to mention, some gesturing may be perceived as threatening. If your partner feels intimidated by your gesturing, sit on your hands! 4. Proxemics-Everyone has a different comfort level with how close you get to each other. A good rule of thumb is at least 3 feet in distance. You both should be able to reach out and grasp hands for a handshake comfortably. Be mindful that different cultures have different concepts of appropriate proxemics. Your partner might be very comfortable to be close to you ordinarily, but in the heat of an argument, more distance might be called for. 5. Touch-Touching your partner is an intimate interaction. The type, frequency and areas to be touched is highly personal. Discuss this with your partner. Touches can communicate affection or anger and the message is the one the receiver gets. If your partner tells you they don’t like a certain touch, don’t get upset, believe them! All these avenues of communication can help or hinder your connection. Winners examine their strategies and improve them. Keep Being Lovely! Allison PS-Sign up for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! Sign UP HERE!  If you’ve explored much of my stuff, you know, I’m always looking at nature for the lessons it can teach us.
Have you ever watched one of those time lapse videos of a flower growing and blooming? You see the flower begin growing and proceed through its life span. You see the flower burst forth in enthusiastic growth and then pause where it seems to rest. Then suddenly, another burst of growth occurs. It’s not a continuous steady growth. It bursts and rests and might even appear to retreat at times. I think it’s so useful to think of our own growth like this. It happens in fits and spurts, in seemingly unrelated cycles. The truth is growth cannot sustain itself in a straight predictable trajectory. We have to allow it to run its own course. No matter how we struggle, we have to go through the transitions, the resting places, the retreats, the bursts of unbelievable growth. And boy, some of this results in a lot of growing pains. When we’re in those times of growth or “bursting forward”, it can be a bit scary. We don’t know where we’re going, but somehow, we can’t stop it. It can also be frustrating when we reach a place of rest. We may feel comfortable with that movement or lack of movement. Maybe we desire to keep it in motion. Sometimes, we look at motion as “good” and rest as “bad”. But know that nature always seeks balance and our effort has to be balanced by rest, or we become unhealthy. It becomes important in our practice of self compassion to acknowledge and appreciate times of pause. How does this relate to your relationship? How do you handle these natural cycles? Do you get frustrated with yourself when you feel stagnant? Do you get scared and want to stop change when it’s occurring so quickly? Doesn’t everything that affects you also affect your partner? Something more to consider: Your partner is having the same sort of growth cycles. Do you get frustrated with your partner when they’re low energy? When they don’t move, grow or act as fast as you’d like them to? Or when they don’t set the same priorities as you? In the compassion department, you have to respect your own cycles and understand that your partner is experiencing their own resistance, growth and rest cycles. Practice time: Where have you not been honoring the growth cycle for yourself or for your partner? Can you recognize and summon patience for yourself and your partner? Can you become curious instead of judgmental about where you both are in growth cycles? Keep on Growin’, Allison PS-Sign up for my email list and I’ll share some great relationship tips with you! Sign Up HERE! |
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