 We’re all looking for ways to strengthen our relationships. All relationships have their own unique path. Some are respectful and polite. Some are abrasive and filled with conflict. I always approach each partnership with the expectation they can and will be willing to change for the sake of the relationship. Long term, relationships are a lot of work if you want them to endure.
I’ve often referenced the relationship cycle I work from. Conflict arises, negotiation ensues, and higher levels of connection are reached. Sometimes the conflict seems unconquerable. It is then, more diligence and attention is urgently needed. However, there are things you can do to all along to make minor adjustments before a crisis occurs.
There will always be difficult times in any relationship. Knowing and preparing for this can help you overcome those obstacles. Practice negotiating for the best outcome for you both and get better with each and every conflict. Strong relationships are WINNING relationships! Cheers!
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 Taking care of your spirit is an important part of taking care of yourself. Self-care is a way to take care of your physical and mental health, but it's also important to pay attention to your spiritual needs.
Consider these ten tips if you want to take better care of yourself in a way that makes you feel strong spiritually. Tip 1: Don't ignore or hide your feelings. Instead, talk about them. Trying to keep your feelings inside instead of letting them out can cause a lot of pain on a spiritual level. Instead, let yourself be emotional when you're feeling it. Laugh, cry, talk about your problems, and let yourself really work through what you're feeling. It will take a lot of weight off your spirit. Tip 2: Find a way at the end of the day to "dump your brain." Whether you talk to a trusted friend, write in a journal, or walk yourself through your whole day, finding a way to "dump" all the things you've been thinking about is a great relief for your spirit. Rather than keeping all the feelings, experiences, and conversations you had during the day in your mind, letting them go lets your spirit rest. Tip 3: Do some light meditation to help you center yourself and get back on track. You don't need expensive classes or a fancy teacher to meditate. You can do it just about anywhere. Some simple exercises, like taking deep breaths and repeating a mantra, are great ways to meditate and bring your spirit back into balance. Tip 4: Make a playlist of funny videos to watch when you need a quick pick-me-up. The best medicine really is to laugh. Keep a playlist of videos that are sure to make you laugh on hand for those days when you need a good laugh the most. Take a break and do something fun to help you feel lighter. Tip 5: Tell yourself it's okay to be silly. If you're feeling especially down, give yourself a few minutes to be silly by having a mini dance party or making funny faces. Especially on a hard day, letting yourself really break away from your serious exterior can give you a little extra spiritual boost. Tip 6: Try not to be so serious about everything about yourself. In a world where you often feel like you have to act a certain way, give yourself permission to not take yourself so seriously. Let some of that exterior facade go. Instead of trying to impress others or forcing yourself into a role you don't like, just be yourself. It's a great way to make you feel better. Tip 7: Look up to your higher power, no matter what or who it is. Whether your higher power is a religion, your own sense of inner goodness, fate, or something else, look to it when you're feeling spiritually burdened. This will help you get your energy back on track and lighten your mood. Tip 8: Do things regularly that you really enjoy. Spend time doing what you enjoy. It's one of the best ways to keep your mind and spirit light, peaceful, and healthy. Make time for the things you enjoy doing, whether it's sports, painting, reading, playing with your dog, putting together jigsaw puzzles, or something else. This will give your spirit a boost. Tip No. 9: Spend some time outside. Getting back in touch with nature is a great way to help your spirit feel more at peace. Let your bare feet touch the grass, take deep breaths of fresh air, and enjoy the warm sun. All of these feelings bring you closer to nature and lift your spirits. Tip 10: Think often about your goals and dreams. Another great way to boost your spirit is to stay focused on your goals and dreams, especially by going back to them often to "check in" and see where you're going in life. By doing this, you'll be more likely to make changes to your plans as needed while still keeping your eye on the end goal. My husband is coming home. You may know that we’ve had a long distance relationship for many years. I’m very self sufficient. I like to figure things out and most of the time, I can. But, my husband is coming home. So things I normally would spend time on, I just put on a list for him. He can do it faster and he’s way more perfectionist than I am! So, it helps me to just put it on a list. While he’s doing “the list”, I’ll do other things, like edit a video or do laundry. I help him, he helps me, and we both do the things we do best. When we begin a relationship, we theoretically become more than the sum of our parts. We belong to someone. We develop a language that’s all our own. We have inside jokes that only we think are funny. We count on each other for things we might have to handle alone. The “couple bubble” increases our versatility, our range, our expertise. “We” becomes greater than “me”. My attention to some things becomes an opportunity for my husband and vice versa. This creates an environment where we can both explore things we couldn’t on our own. I’m a planner; he’s spontaneous. I’m organized and consistent; he thinks he’ll deal with it later (spoiler…he won’t). Not to mention learning from each other! As much as I enjoy my planning processes, he has taught me to ACT! I’ve taught him to slow down and read instructions. Our changing in these ways has made us more compatible and better rounded people.  In addition, happy relationships contribute to longer, happier lives, better mental health and financial stability. These are really practical reasons that being in relationships is good for us.
The greatest gift of relationship may be the self growth it pushes us toward. Because of our patterns of attraction, attachment and self management, our most significant relationships will bring attention to all our sharp edges. There are times when committed relationships feel limiting. The opposite is actually true! Relationships can open us up to more freedom, opportunities and growth. So often, we focus on what we lose as an individual while ignoring what we gain as a couple. Feeling Greater! Allison
Falling in love brings with it a major hormonal cascade that makes us obsess about our partner. This creates major attunement between us. This means I am acutely aware of how you’re feeling. This sadly doesn’t last. We get distracted by life and start to take our partner for granted a bit.
Self-fulfilling prophecies hurt a lot of relationships. If you think your partner will hurt you, you might do things that make it more likely that they will. But if you work from the idea that your partner loves you and wants the best for you, trust can grow in your marriage over time. Here are some things you can do to build trust with your partner. Recognize how you feel and take small steps toward being more open. Gain the courage to be more honest with your partner. Before talking about bigger things like kids' behavior or money, it's a good idea to start with small things like schedules or meals. Be honest with each other and talk about the important things in your relationship. Stop thinking bad thoughts. Let the first thought be, “I know you don’t want to hurt me.” Ask yourself: Is my lack of trust because of my partner's actions, my own insecurities, or both? Be aware of unresolved problems from past relationships that might be making you mistrustful now. Follow your gut and instincts. Trust what you think you know and pay attention to red flags. If you don't trust someone, be open and ask for reassurance. Assume that your partner wants to help you. If they let you down, it might just be because they aren't good at what they do. Sometimes people just make mistakes. Listen to what the other person says. And watch what they do. Think that there are people in the world who are honest. Have faith in your partner unless you have a strong reason to not trust them. By far, the biggest way trust is built is through the behavior of ‘turning towards’. We send a million little signals out every day which are ‘bids for connection’. If our partner responds positively, it shores up our trust. Anything other than that, it erodes it. And it’s like taking a bath, it doesn’t last! You must consistently be there for your partner. You can also get closer to your partner emotionally and build trust by asking them open-ended questions. If you only ask yes-or-no questions, you can't have a deep conversation with someone. In other words, take your time with your partner and make love to them with your words. If you want a relationship to last, you have to be able to trust each other. Building trust with a partner is mostly about the little things you do together that make you feel safe and make you really believe that your partner will be there for you when you need them. It's the key to a happy, long-lasting relationship. John and Julie Gottman say in their book, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, that if you break a trust agreement with your partner, there are ways to fix it. These steps include setting up a time to talk, naming the feelings you had because of the breach of trust without blame or criticism, listening to your partner without passing judgment, and each person telling their side of the story and talking about any feelings the incident brought up. Then both partners look at how they contributed to the incident and take responsibility, for each person to apologize and accept an apology, and for each person to come up with a plan to stop future breaches of trust. How are you doing at building trust? These behaviors can get you started if you feel your trust has been damaged in some way.
Big or small, problems can be solved. You can work on change yourself, or you can get a good therapist to help you figure things out. Taking a "wait and see" track can be a scary option.
If you’re going to go for it on your own, here are some tips:
High emotions indicate something deeper than the trash. We owe it to ourselves and our partner to get in touch with that. Coming in with the “what” sounds like a war cry to our partner. When things get tense, we all retreat to what feels safe. And we all feel safe in different ways. I may get angry, you may withdraw, and another person may become passive aggressive. They are all ways to deal with stress, but not necessarily to resolve any issues. These are behaviors you can learn to change. It might not be easy; you’ve spent a lifetime learning it this way! It will be worth it, though!
You’ll be winning in no time!
That same effort is required to keep the heat in your relationship.
To keep a fire going, you have to take care of it. You stack the logs and starter, blow on the fire and get it going good. Now to keep it going, you have to mind it and guard it from going out. That same effort is required to keep the heat in your relationship. When we first begin a romance, there's that obsessiveness that compels us to notice every small detail and compels us to attune to them. This is why our connection is so intense during the early part of a relationship. This level of intensity is not sustainable, however, so it must cool! Once the fire starts to cool, we sometimes believe it's something out of our control that's at work. It's a common belief that passion naturally fades over time. People lose interest, they "fall out of love". The truth, though, is that passion doesn't die out; it can be enhanced. It does take work, though! A long term relationship requires time, energy, and intention to keep love alive. The initial excitement fades amidst the business and stresses of life, work, and family. What does it take to keep those embers glowing strong? There is research that shows us what behaviors enhance strong and happy relationships. The biggest factor in common with happy, loving relationships is how they handle "bids for attention". This is a concept developed by John Gottman. It refers to our many daily attempts at connection with our partner. This could be as simple as a comment, a touch, a question. Every time our partner turns to us, we have an opportunity to respond positively. So focusing on these "bids" is the best way to keep that spark alive. Not responding makes your partner feel unimportant and unsafe. It also creates feelings of distrust. If I can't trust you in these little ways, how can I count on you for the bigger things. A huge passion killer! Relationships require attention and care to stay vibrant. Treat your partner like the priority they are. Give them your time and attention above all other interests. Make your partner your safe place and be theirs. Listen to words and body language. Stay interested in your partner. Never stop learning about them. Nothing makes us feel more special than our partner's curiosity about us. Don't let the spark of your relationship die out into a pile of ashes. It is a responsibility we have to our relationship. Rekindle those flames and your relationship will stay warm and cozy for a long time. Warmly, Allison
Trust is really built in a million small ways every day, "small things often:. When partners make it a habit of paying attention in small, everyday situations, they build trust.
Dr. John Gottman suggests the following as ways to build that trust: Cooking for your partner. (Bonus points if you cook their favorite! This shows attention, care, and nurturing.) Taking care of them when they're sick. (We all want nurturance when we're sick. Usually we need support when we're sick, so this is a great time to enhance that trust, "I can depend on you".) Listen to them. (Listening attentively is so valuable. We all want to be heard.) Doing something kind for your partner's friends or family. (It's great if I can depend on you, but if my family can too? Wow!) Do errands for your partner. (Especially if asked! Not doing what you've agreed to will smash your trust.) Take a look at the hundreds of ways your partner reaches out to you daily, asking, in effect, "Are you there for me?" Make sure you're responding in a dependable way when your partner does. Trust is built upon these tiny building blocks. Be sure to offer appreciation to your partner for the little things they do for you too! Trust me! Allison To be close to someone, we have to see them and let them see us too. Most of us want to be seen as the complex, real people we are. Everyone wants it, but how do we get it? How do you make room in your relationship for your partner to be themselves and for you to be yourself? Even though intimacy isn't only found in romantic relationships, it should be a safe place for partners to explore their inner depths. When you both respect and trust each other, you have what you need to open up in deeper ways. This is real closeness. It’s a way of getting to the core of what you think, feel, and experience by peeling away layers of yourself. Sexual connection can help make a couple feel closer to each other. But the sense of being together won't be complete without emotional or spiritual closeness. Mindfulness is one way to facilitate this. In fact, you can't be close to someone if you don't practice mindfulness. That is, paying open, nonjudgmental attention to your experience. It helps you be more present, patient, compassionate, and accepting of your partner. You need to feel safe with your partner if you want to share more of who you are. Being mindful is simply listening with an open heart that is curious. Let go of assumptions and the stories you tell yourself. Mindfulness is a skill that can be learned through practice. Following are two exercises you could try to make your relationship more mindful and, hence, more intimate. Sharing with purpose Even though you may talk to your partner quite a bit throughout the day, how often do you do so mindfully and attentively? Set aside regular time for deliberate sharing. To explore this practice:
Shared practice of meditation  Have you and your partner ever meditated together? Research shows that meditating with someone else can make you feel closer to them and more willing to talk about personal things over time. Meditation helps you get rid of the clutter of everyday life and become more aware of what's going on inside you. This can change the things you share with your partner, how you share them, and how you listen to them in return. Sit face-to-face and set a timer to try this. Close your eyes and meditate in silence or with a guided practice that makes you feel good. After the timer goes off, each person should talk about how they felt during the meditation. You could also try to connect in other mindful ways. For example, you could try a meditation while holding hands. You could also try matching your breath for a short time. Any or all of these will give you a boost towards real emotional intimacy. Let me know how it goes!  Do you get jealous or irritated by your partner’s creative pursuits? How important is it to acknowledge, support and participate in our partner’s creativity? It’s well established that creativity enriches our lives. Whether it’s a passion for theater, painting, dancing, etc., can you be supportive whether you are creative in these same ways or not?
If your partner finds meaning, joy and purpose in their creativity, showing interest in their endeavors helps them be seen and accepted by you and that is the best kind of love! Ask to see their work! Go see them perform! Encourage them! Inviting someone into your creative world is an act of intimacy. How special if your partner shares this with you! Appreciate that they want you to see that part of themselves. If your partner’s pursuits are not endangering your relationship, be willing to sacrifice so they may carry on. This love and support will come back to you. The sacrifice may be time. It’s hard to give your partner up for the time it takes them to do their creative activity. However, pursuing things that bring us joy, makes us better people in the long run. These activities give us energy and well being to spill over into the other parts of our lives. You’re going to benefit from your partner’s greater joy! The sacrifice might be helping to allow your partner the time. Doing tasks or occupying children to give them the space to do their art is support. The sacrifice might be supplying them with a place or tools to do their art. Maybe sharing an office or making over a corner in the bedroom. Your partner is going to wonder what they did to deserve such a supportive partner! Sometimes, we put aside our creative pursuits, especially when we’re in the limerence stage of a relationship. In the beginning, we don’t need anything other than our beloved to be fulfilled. It’s natural, after some time, we need more than our partner’s presence to fulfill us. Creative pursuits may have been paused. It isn’t a threat to your relationship when other things are needed. Appreciating your partner for who they are, artist and all, is a precious gift. Your partner will adore you even more for honoring this integral part of them. Their own happiness and well being will be better off when they can engage in their creative pursuits. And who benefits from that? YOU! If you don’t think you’re very creative, try to join in! Your partner may enjoy being your instructor and it may lead to a joint hobby you both can appreciate. Work, kids and all the other activities we participate in, means there’s not much time left over. When everything seems so important, we sometimes put focusing on our relationship at the bottom of our list.
Some couples think relationships are supposed to be easy. Not true! We must find the things that connect us and keep working on them. A relationship takes time and care to thrive. It’s easy to take our most important relationships for granted and put them on the back burner. Don’t let this happen to you! Use research to determine how to strengthen your bonds without much guesswork. Agreeing on relationship vision, managing disagreements with respect and creating connection are three of the most important things to keep this game going strong. Do you and your partner know what you want your relationship to look like? Once you agree on the most important values, hopes, dreams, etc. it’s easier to make a plan. Know how realistic your vision is and remember, IT WILL BE A CHALLENGE! The most important things in changing your relationship (or anything) are consistency and persistence. All relationships will have conflict and 99% of all conflict can be resolved with negotiation. Don’t let your conflicts become overwhelming. You both must accept each other for who you are and set non-negotiable differences. (My suggestion is don’t make it a non-negotiable unless it’s, well, non-negotiable!) It’s important to keep in mind that tolerance and respect is important as well. Learn to forgive yourself and your partner. But also know what you’re not ok with. Those are boundaries we need to maintain. When things get tense, we might not handle ourselves well. So, learning to manage your emotions is an important part of negotiation. Most couples have the same argument (different versions), over and over again. Don’t think that you must resolve all arguments because research shows us happy couples have “perpetual arguments.” Some won’t ever be resolved. Know the ones that are important and focus on those. Learn to listen to your partner’s viewpoint, be respectful even if you disagree and try to understand why it’s important to them. Being comfortable being uncomfortable is a skill to learn. Establish and practice rituals of connection. Do “couples” things to strengthen your identity as a couple. Take time to learn about each other on a regular basis. Go and share adventures together. Spend time periodically refreshing your couple’s vision. Remember, your relationship is a living, breathing thing and it depends on you to nurture it so it can grow! Have a great day lovelies! Allison |
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