Now, recall the last time you got angry at your partner about something. Was it over the dirty laundry left in the bathroom floor? Now, in the grand scheme of things, that dirty laundry really isn’t’ that big a deal is it? Get curious about what’s really going on. What’s really got you going is the meaning you’ve placed on that situation. So does dirty laundry on the floor even though you’ve asked a million times mean that you’re not being heard? Does it mean that your partner doesn’t care about what’s important to you? Does it mean you feel disrespected? Apply some curiosity and you’ll find a deeper meaning.
Pretty soon you’ll understand why you’re so riled up. The dirty clothes serve as evidence for something that’s meaningful to you.
The ability to communicate in deeper terms allows you to more truly express yourself to your partner and it allows them to know you more and more. Our intimacy grows when we can share our inner selves more with our partners.
Maybe even more important is recognizing that the same way you get wrapped up in something insignificant, applying deeper meaning to it, is your ability to recognize the same thing happens to your partner!
This is where curiosity helps again. When your partner is angry at you, can you get curious about the deeper meaning? What’s on the surface is only minimally related to the deeper attachment need, our need to belong. If you can tease out the deeper meaning for your partner, you can help to soothe the part of them that’s feeling a bit shaky. What a wonderful thing to be able to do for each other.
Practice time: OK, cast your mind back to the last time you got irritated or flat out mad with your partner. What was the surface issue? Did it really mean that much? Or was there a more significant, deeper, truer meaning? What was it? Can you initiate a conversation with your partner and let them know what was actually happening for you? This isn’t to resolve it, it’s just to let your partner know you better.
If you want bonus points, think about the last time your partner got angry with you. Look beyond the surface issue and get curious about the deeper meaning. Can you initiate a conversation about that with your partner? You might just end up knowing them better too!
Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it saves relationships!
Stay Curious Lovelies,
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All Couples are going to disagree. Usually, we have not had training in how to fight fairly and so, fighting becomes a free for all to see who can hurt the other’s feelings the most. If we can adhere to the rules of fair fighting, our arguments can be much more productive experiences.
Rules for Fair Fighting
1. Identify the problem. If you can’t identify the problem, is there really anything to fight about? Is one of the participants simply irritable? Once you have isolated what the issue is, follow the rest of the rules and avoid the fouls!
2. Attack the problem, not the person. If an argument gets personal, it’s an indication that you’ve lost sight of rule #1. Attacking the other participant is a sure way NOT to gain agreement.
3. Listen to each other. Adults listen to views that are different than their own. Listening is a sign of respect, not submission. Take turns with a timer on if you need to.
4. Take care of each other’s feelings. Assume that you are each responsible for the other’s feelings and ensure that you do and say nothing that is damaging to the other person’s feelings.
5. Take responsibility for what you say and do. If you do lose control and say something “foul”, then own your behavior; apologize sincerely and do an act of kindness to make amends.
Each of the behaviors below is considered fouls. These behaviors indicate fighting behavior that is damaging to the relationship.
Chances are you’ve been in relationships where the fouls above have been part of the fighting. While you can only be responsible for your actions, you also owe it to yourself to set limits when others use these fouls with you.
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A-You have to decide to.
In every situation there is something you appreciate or be grateful for. For instance, if it's raining, you can be mesmerized by the drops hitting the puddles or be grateful that the plants will have what they need to grow.
Stress hijacks our attention and focuses us on survival. But most situations really aren't that important and we have to recognize that we don't have to allow our thoughts to run away from us, we can control them with some practice.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tells us events and feelings are separate entities. Our thoughts about events are what lead to our feelings about it.
For example, it’s raining. I think, “This sucks! There go my plans for today!” Then I end up feeling disappointed and bad.
I can choose to think different thoughts that lead to different feelings. For example, I can think, “This sucks, and I’m disappointed, but maybe I can find something interesting to do inside today. Yeah, I got that new puzzle! I’m going to work on that today!” I’ve got a whole new feeling coming out of the same situation just by altering my thoughts.
This can take some practice, but I’ve written lots of other articles addressing how our thoughts, feelings and behaviors impact each other. If you feel that you’re just depressed and can’t succeed in changing your thoughts, find a therapist that practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Best of luck,
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A-Feelings are just feelings and they're not good or bad, right or wrong. You can feel attracted to someone and not have to have a relationship with them. The same way I can really like chocolate cake, but not have it for dinner every night.
Behaviors do not HAVE to follow feelings, although we usually treat them as one and the same.
If there's a good reason not to be with him, then don't. If he's just different from your normal "type", why not give it a chance? The world is full of unlikely love stories.
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