What if our conflict in relationship could all be linked to the level of attachment we feel? Now, I’m not talking about affection or commitment or any of that. I’m talking about true, to the core, I belong to you-you belong to me attachment.
I’m reading some interesting research on attachment. Some theorize that all our conflict is the result of insecurity somewhere in our relationship. There is a biological need that drives a fear of rejection in us.
Think about it. What’s that one big thing that you argue about with your partner? I’m thinking of one…..and it’s true. If I look past the high emotion of the moment, I’m interpreting this issue as evidence that my husband is not putting me first. That strikes my insecurity cord and I respond by making demands that he respect and meet my need to be reassured. I haven’t exactly posed my point of view in that way, but maybe I will!
So research shows we are always seeking safety. One way humans find safety is in belonging to a group. Our significant relationships represent that group in our modern times. When that safety is threatened in some way, our primal brain is activated and we attempt to repair the situation. Our fears of insignificance and abandonment may be the root of our conflicts. Some say that conflict is always the result of us trying to reestablish a connection that gives us a feeling of safety. That may seem simplistic, but let it marinate.
What if we examine our complaints to detect what our fear is? This allows us to better know ourselves and gives our partner an opportunity to know us better as well. What if we are curious enough about our partner’s complaints to reach for their fears? This allows us to have empathy vs. getting defensive. Curiosity is one of the healthiest of emotions. When we’re curious about ourselves and our partners, growth happens!
I’m including this video to further illustrate some of this research into attachment.
Like the baby in the video, we cry, gesture, and squeal in our own way with intention to engage our partner.
If attachment is such a significant influence in our love relationships, ensuring a strong attachment bond will help in Winning Your Relationship Game. Reaching out to your partner being mindful of their feeling of security; responding to their fears in a reassuring way=Winning moves!
Think about the last time you got angry with your partner. Find where the attachment fear was. If you’re brave enough, leave it in the comments below!
Wishing you safety,