Winning Your Relationship Game
  • Home
  • SIgn up for 4 AWESOME VIDEOS
  • Store
    • Self Coaching Plan
    • Communication Course
  • About
  • Blog

How to Repair Your Relationship

10/3/2022

Comments

 
Picture
     Is your relationship going through a rough patch? Fights and problems or a lack of communication make for a lonely time. Small things seem to build up and make you crazy.

     Big or small, problems can be solved. You can work on change yourself, or you can get a good therapist to help you figure things out. Taking a "wait and see" track can be a scary option.

If you’re going to go for it on your own, here are some tips:

  • Focus on patterns, not people. Blame is a losing move. Being right is a losing move. Everything comes down to a behavior pattern, pretty much. What behavior is causing the trip up in your relationship? Analyze why the pattern isn’t working. Change the pattern in whatever way you can. Sometimes, that change is just to stand still and do nothing! That’s always an option.
  • Are you focusing on the "what" or the "how"? Many arguments devolve due to disagreement over the time, day, who said what... the "what". Instead, how can you focus on the "how"?
      For example, "You said you would take the trash out            last night. You never do what I ask. " This is "what." "I          feel really frustrated and uncared about when you                don’t follow through on what you say. It impacts my            trust in you. " This is "how."
      High emotions indicate something deeper than the                trash. We owe it to ourselves and our partner to get in        touch with that. Coming in with the “what” sounds like        a war cry to our partner.
      When things get tense, we all retreat to what feels              safe. And we all feel safe in different ways. I may get          angry, you may withdraw, and another person may                become passive aggressive. They are all ways to deal            with stress, but not necessarily to resolve any issues.          These are behaviors you can learn to change. It might          not be easy; you’ve spent a lifetime learning it this way!        It will be worth it, though!
  • Prioritize your emotions. As discussed above, take care of your feelings instead of letting them run the show. Decide that you’re not going to hurt yourself or others. (Compassion is one of the pillars of a winning relationship.)
      Most of us can manage our emotions at work or with          our friends. We get in trouble because our primary                relationships represent safety to us. We’re biologically        wired to belong, and when that gets threatened... our          brain tries to save us by any means necessary.                      Catching your strong emotional response and handling        it logically isn’t natural, but it becomes easier the more        you practice.
  • Stay in the present. Don’t go through the history of past hurts. This is another "what". If you want to resolve things, you must stay in the here and now. If you didn’t solve the conflict you had 10 years ago, what makes you think you can solve it along with what you’re fighting over now? Focus on the how and stay here. No time travel.
  • DO the right things. I always say behaviors win the game. You can’t control feelings, and thoughts are hard to change, but you are 100 percent in charge of your behaviors. If you want more affection, be more affectionate. If you want your partner to do things for you, do things for them. If you want compliments, give compliments. If you’re feeling frustrated and stuck, DO something different, something healthy.
  • Learn about yourself. Talking to a therapist, reading books, or following coaches or therapists online can help expedite your growth. Notice when you are blaming your partner for issues. Often, we want change... as long as it’s our partner who’s changing! You are contributing to every issue you have in your relationship. Yes, I meant that.
      Whether you are directly involved in the issue, or your          response to the issue, or your boundaries around the            issue, you are part of the problem.
  • Be consistent and persistent. You cannot control the outcome. You can only control your effort. A single attempt will not change the game; you must repeat the winning behaviors over and over. If you fail, you learn something that doesn’t work. Use that information to make it better next time.

Hopefully, you found these ideas helpful. Don’t take on too much at once but do take on something! Be focused and be consistent and persistent.
​
You’ll be winning in no time!


Comments
comments powered by Disqus
    Picture
    Picture

    Helping You 
    Create a Relationship You Love

    Allison Velez,
    Florida Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Mental Health Counselor 


    Archives

    January 2023
    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    August 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    May 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016

    Categories

    All
    Addiction
    Affairs
    Anniversary
    Annoying
    Anxiety
    Attachment
    Behaviors
    Belonging
    Celebration
    Changing Behaviors
    Changing Habits
    Changing Thoughts
    Cheating
    Coaching
    Commitment
    Communication
    Compassion
    Complaining
    Counseling
    Couple
    Couple Goals
    Couples
    Curiosity
    Discomfort
    Emotions
    Fair Fighting
    Feelings
    Fighting Fairly
    Finances
    Goals
    Habits
    Happiness
    Holiday
    Infidelity
    Intention
    Journal
    Journaling
    Listening
    Long Distance Relationship
    Love
    Marriage
    Money
    Nature
    Online Love
    Online Therapy
    Outcomes
    Passion
    Pornography
    Pornography Addiction
    Process
    Relationship
    Relationship Coaching
    Relationship Goals
    Relationship Help
    Self Compassion
    Self Doubt
    Self Growth
    Self Help
    Therapy
    Together
    Truth
    Unlikely Love Story
    Unmet Desire
    Wanting
    Winning
    Winning Your Relationship Game
    Writing

    RSS Feed

About

The Relationship Game
Allison Velez
​
​
Privacy/Disclaimer/Terms of Use     ​
HIPAA Policies
 ©Emotion Mastery, LLC                                                               
Picture

Support

Email Me
Coaching Packages
Online Therapy
  • Home
  • SIgn up for 4 AWESOME VIDEOS
  • Store
    • Self Coaching Plan
    • Communication Course
  • About
  • Blog