I'm Going to Teach You to Listen

     Yes, you’d be surprised to know how many times I have to give couples an assignment to teach them how to listen!  Seems crazy, but when they actually do, it makes a world of difference. 
 
     The problem is, it takes effort and most of us can’t be bothered.  It also requires us to deal with any feelings we have without reacting right away.  

     This is a GREAT practice that most of us could improve on!
 
     If you find your communication isn’t going to well, go in with a PLAN.  A plan can help you stay on track and it gives you a framework to follow instead of just letting your feelings take over.
 
     In every communication, there’s two roles to play.  One person is the speaker and one person is the listener.   When we speak our basic objective is to have a message heard.  This is a speaker’s responsibility too.  While our speech is considered our most effective method of communication, we communicate by body language, gestures, tone, etc. 
 
     If you want to improve your communication, here’s the PLAN.  It is based on Imago Therapy.  Now this is a structure, so it’s going to feel confining.  It’s supposed to!  A structure keeps you contained.  Isn’t that the point?   If you are willing to do anything to save your relationship, this isn’t a big deal is it????
 
     So, here’s the outline:

     For the “Speaker”:

     1.  Make an appointment.   Now this doesn’t have to be formal, but you should make sure it’s a good time and that your partner is willing to talk at that point.  So many people sabotage a conversation by starting it right at bedtime when all their partner wants to do is sleep!  How do you expect that to go???
So you ask, can we talk for a minute?  Are you available to discuss something with me?  This is a REQUEST not a DEMAND, so no reaction to feeling rejected, ask for a better time to do this. 
 
     Step 2 is state your topic succinctly and using nonviolent language.  Focus on your feelings and don’t tell your partner’s story.  Things to stay away from “you never”, “you always” and anything insulting.  (Read more about nonviolent communication here.) Generally it’s a good idea to stay away from the word you at all. Remember writing things out is a great way to practice!  Your goal is to be heard, this means avoiding triggering your partner’s defenses. Remember this is growth, so expect pain!
 
     Step 3 is stay on topic.  You can’t solve every issue.  If you tend to be a kitchen sinker, time for a behavior change!  Learn how to be really effective at this and you can resolve issues, but only one at a time.
 
     Step 4 is to Thank your partner for listening
 
     Now the Listeners have rules too!  Rules for the listener:

​     Your rule #1--Listen only.  No speaking.  Don’t interrupt.  If you feel something rising up in you that wants to retort, focus on the words your partner is saying. 
     
      Do you ever watch Judge Judy?  Sometimes they have a case there between people who were in a relationship that’s now gone bad.  One person starts talking and the other cannot control themselves, they speak out and interrupt.  Judge Judy jumps in and says be quiet or you’ll be out of my courtroom.  You can laugh about that and shake your head, but how often do we do the same thing to our partner?  The only problem is we don’t have a Judge Judy to intervene, so our partner has to fight for their right to be heard.  Pretend you have Judge Judy sitting in front of you.

     The second rule for the listener is to mirror back what was heard.  When the speaker is finished, you say, “What I heard you say was……(here you will paraphrase in your own words what you heard your partner say)”.  You aren’t putting your assumptions in the mix; you aren’t agreeing.  This is a fact based exchange.  “I heard you say……”

     Then rule #3 is to ask 2 specific questions. Did I get that right?  To which the speaker will say “yes” or “no”.  If the answer is no, the speaker can further clarify.  After the clarification, the listener will again paraphrase and ask, “Did I get that right?”

     The second question is, “Is there more?”  The speaker will then respond “no” or “yes”.  If the answer is yes, the speaker will continue to elaborate. 
This process gets repeated for as long as the speaker needs to speak.  If you stick to the one topic rule, then it shouldn’t take more than one or two times asking that question to get to the end.  The speaker and the listener should agree that they are both understanding the issue from the speaker’s perspective at this point.

     Rule #4 for the listener is to validate with empathy.  Validation does not equate to agreement.  Validation means if you really heard your partner, you can begin to see their perspective.  You might demonstrate this by saying, “I can see why you’d feel that way because…..”  or, “ I can see why you’d react in that way........”  Developing empathy and validating your partner shows respect for their feelings.  It doesn’t mean you think they are right or wrong.
 
     Rule #5 for the Listener is to thank their partner for sharing. You can now repeat this process reversing roles, but the point is to hear each other, not to prove someone right or wrong.
 
     Playing Alone????  What if your partner won’t go along with this?  You can absolutely do this solo.  Your partner might not follow the Listening rules when you’re talking, but you can follow the Speaker’s rules.  You can listen better to your partner by following this outline.  Either way, I’m betting things will go more smoothly in communication. 

     Remember, behind every complaint is a deep personal need.  How will you discover what it is if you don’t listen well?  If your relationship is going to change, you have to change.  If you adopt some positive behaviors, your relationship will improve.  Make a commitment to speak or listen according to this script for the next two weeks.  I’m confident you’ll see some change in your relationship.

     Practice Time:

     Follow the script for speaking and listening even if your partner isn’t playing with you.   Use the script for either speaking or listening every day for the next two weeks.  It’s one of those little changes that will have a big impact. If you get stuck or have questions, email me or come over to the forum.   

     Good luck and let me know if I can help!

     Listening well,

​     Allison