Do you ever wonder why you were attracted to your partner? Are you ever afraid if you end this relationship, you’ll just end up with another partner with the same issues?
It happens. It may have even happened to you!
We are attracted to our partner on many levels, some we’re aware of and some we’re not. I’ll do a couple of posts about this, but just be aware seen or unseen, our body’s and emotions respond to people for lots of different reasons.
There’s that elusive element we call “chemistry” that may or may not be there. At times, we leave a relationship due to the chemistry level! Or we just can’t leave a relationship because the chemistry is really great…even if there are significant other problems.
I believe it’s a good idea to establish the criteria for your partner before you go looking! It’s way too easy to get caught up in an emotional response. And you know those emotions aren’t reliable!
There’s a universal law called the Law of Attraction. It says, “We find what we’re looking for”. Now don’t think I’m getting all woo woo on you. This actually makes perfect, logical sense. Let me explain.
If I’m afraid of being with someone who’s verbally abusive, I focus my attention on that. I worry about it. I hope and pray I don’t end up with someone like that. When I start a relationship, I’ve focused so much on it, I’m expecting that person to be abusive. So, I may accept the little signs of potential abusiveness and overlook them because after all, that’s not really abuse. Pretty soon I’ve gotten a lot invested in the relationship. The more comfortable my partner feels, the more abusive they may become. I might be unsure of how to handle it at that point. I love the person, don’t want to leave them, but all the pleading, begging and demanding they change their behavior doesn’t seem to work. I’m stuck.
Well, I did find what I was looking for. I focused on what I didn’t want and I created a situation that perfectly got me that. I was so busy guarding against what I didn’t want, I completely forgot to look for what I did want.
So let’s switch this around. I don’t want to be with someone who’s verbally abusive. So, I focus on what I DO want. I want someone who’s kind, loving, and supportive. When I start a relationship, I’m focusing on seeing those behaviors. I see my partner as kind, loving and supportive. If my partner acts in a way that’s incongruent (abusively), it’s going to be immediately visible to me.
Now I still have a decision to make about this relationship, but if I’m clear about the things I want, I’m going to easily eliminate the things I don’t want.
You get to the restaurant and they tell you they’re out of soup. You’re devastated. They can’t deliver what you set your mind upon wanting. They may have many other wonderful options, but because it wasn’t what you envisioned, you end up feeling dissatisfied.
You deserve to have what you want in a resturant AND your relationship. I’m not telling you to give up on your current relationship, but is it giving you what you want?
PS-One way to get your needs met in a relationship is to improve your communication. Interested in learning more about my communication course? Click here.