If you'd rather read, this is the book chapter on this topic.  The book is available as part of the self coaching package or in the membership area. 

Chapter 5-The Magic Formula

     Did you know there is a scientific formula for a happy relationship? Studies of successful relationships reveal a significant finding regarding the ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s almost like magic! This Power Play is a bit challenging, are you up for it? You can still do this one even if your partner isn’t playing along with you. 
 
     According to research by Dr. John Gottman, the ‘magic’ ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1. That means for every negative interaction you have with your partner, you have to counter that with five positive interactions.
  
     Take just a moment to absorb this. Imagine for every snarky comment you make, you have to balance this with giving your partner five positive interactions.   You make a rude comment and to balance that out, you do the following:
 
       Make them a cup of coffee
       Tell them they look nice today
       Give them a hug
       Take out the trash when it’s their turn
       Make the kid’s lunch when they usually do it
 
     Phew! Almost makes that rude comment not worth it, right? You’re human so negative interactions are going to happen. Remember feelings show up and you can’t really control them, but you are definitely in charge of your behavior. 
 
     These balancing positive interactions are above and beyond all your normal habits. For instance, cooking dinner doesn’t count if you always do that. A positive action would be making your partner’s favorite dish.
 
     To further illustrate this, imagine that you have a beautiful, prize winning rose bush. For whatever careless reason, you decide you’re going to put a teaspoon of salt on it. If you counter that salt with five gallons of water, it’s probably going to be ok.  What happens if you continue to put the teaspoon of salt on it, but decide to cut back on the water? Or maybe you give it three teaspoons before you give it the water?  Well, you get the idea. The bush is not going to stay healthy for much longer. It’s the same with your relationship. If you fall behind on the ‘magic’ ratio of five positive to every negative interactions, your relationship won’t be very healthy either.
 
     Your reality consists of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I’m skeptical about anyone controlling feelings. Thoughts are a little more amenable to being changed. You can choose to think certain thoughts if you wish. What happens if you apply the ‘magic’ formula to your thoughts? 
 
    What difference would it make if you began to counter each negative thought about your partner with five positive ones? It’s difficult to sustain a negative attitude towards someone when you are thinking positive thoughts about them. 
 
     Recap:
 
    1. The Magic Formula for a healthy relationship is five positive interactions for every negative one.
 
    2. Include your thoughts in the ratio. 
 
    Practice: 
 
    Think about the past 24 hours. Recall every time you behaved negatively to your partner. Were you short of patience with them? Did you speak sharply to them?  Did you call them a name? Did you do any of that in your head? It counts too.
                                                                                                                                     
     List these on the worksheet for this chapter.  It’s included in your self-coaching package.  For every item on your list, identify five positive ways to counter each negative action.
 
     Starting today, track your negative interactions. When you notice yourself being negative to your partner, right then, before you move on, direct five positive interactions to your partner.
 
     This one is challenging. Is the pain of having to perform five positive acts for your partner for every negative one enough to help you remember to monitor your negative behaviors? You'll be working on behavior change in other lessons.
 
     I promise you this will be game changing if you dedicate yourself to it.
 
     If you get stuck, send me an email at allison@allisonvelez.com.  I have a membership area on my website at www.WinningYourRelationshipGame.com.  In the membership area, there’s a forum with lots of good information.  I’m there answering questions regularly as well as having a member’s call every week.