What Can I Do?
Every game has some rules and I’ll try to keep it simple.
Whatever is going on in your relationship; whatever problems you feel your partner has going on, let’s be clear: This is about you. Let go of the notion you can change anyone else. Everything you learn here is for you. You can improve things even if your partner is reluctant to join you in working. One person changing can impact a relationship system. It HAS to. It can be a lot more fun if both you and your partner are together, but don’t let that stop you. Recognize that you are the only person you can change, so agree to look at yourself and DO what you can DO!
If you’re going to change anything, it’s going to take effort. If you were trying to learn to play an instrument, you wouldn’t expect it to come naturally. This won’t either. If you’ve got strife in your relationship, you have to DO something different!
Make a commitment to spend some time most days exploring and focusing on actually doing new behaviors. Truthfully, there is no way to improve anything without effort and attention. Even if you believe the fault in your relationship is all your partners, you have to commit to this minimum amount of time. The habit is essential. Remember building new skills and habits is difficult. If you aren’t willing to commit to this, Winning Your Relationship Game is probably not right for you. Change only comes with time and attention. Without that, there may be no program that is right for you.
You actually have to DO SOMETHING! Have you proclaimed, “I’m trying so hard to make this work?” Or, “I’ll try anything to make this relationship better.” Then I don’t care if you think it’s silly or hard. You’ll do anything, right? Put your money where your mouth is. Do the work suggested and remember that thoughts and feelings are important, but behavior is where the rubber hits the road.
Let’s Figure Out Where You’re Going
There’s a saying that if you don’t care where you’re going any road will take you there. You want to be deliberate about the road you’re traveling. In order to make lasting change, you have to set a goal. Setting a goal will help you in Winning Your Relationship Game, but there’s some planning to do first.
Winning Your Relationship Game has a lot to do with habits and behavior change. We want to figure out the outcome we want. Many of the lessons are based in research that’s proven to support positive relationships and behavior change. You aren’t going to rely on will power. Anyone who’s had to try to diet knows that will power is very unreliable. You’re going to set goals that allow you to capitalize on motivation.
Your initial goal, I like to call a Personal Motivation Statement. This is where you’d ultimately like to end up. Take just a minute and focus on what prompted you to engage in this community. Download the worksheet below.
Whatever is going on in your relationship; whatever problems you feel your partner has going on, let’s be clear: This is about you. Let go of the notion you can change anyone else. Everything you learn here is for you. You can improve things even if your partner is reluctant to join you in working. One person changing can impact a relationship system. It HAS to. It can be a lot more fun if both you and your partner are together, but don’t let that stop you. Recognize that you are the only person you can change, so agree to look at yourself and DO what you can DO!
If you’re going to change anything, it’s going to take effort. If you were trying to learn to play an instrument, you wouldn’t expect it to come naturally. This won’t either. If you’ve got strife in your relationship, you have to DO something different!
Make a commitment to spend some time most days exploring and focusing on actually doing new behaviors. Truthfully, there is no way to improve anything without effort and attention. Even if you believe the fault in your relationship is all your partners, you have to commit to this minimum amount of time. The habit is essential. Remember building new skills and habits is difficult. If you aren’t willing to commit to this, Winning Your Relationship Game is probably not right for you. Change only comes with time and attention. Without that, there may be no program that is right for you.
You actually have to DO SOMETHING! Have you proclaimed, “I’m trying so hard to make this work?” Or, “I’ll try anything to make this relationship better.” Then I don’t care if you think it’s silly or hard. You’ll do anything, right? Put your money where your mouth is. Do the work suggested and remember that thoughts and feelings are important, but behavior is where the rubber hits the road.
Let’s Figure Out Where You’re Going
There’s a saying that if you don’t care where you’re going any road will take you there. You want to be deliberate about the road you’re traveling. In order to make lasting change, you have to set a goal. Setting a goal will help you in Winning Your Relationship Game, but there’s some planning to do first.
Winning Your Relationship Game has a lot to do with habits and behavior change. We want to figure out the outcome we want. Many of the lessons are based in research that’s proven to support positive relationships and behavior change. You aren’t going to rely on will power. Anyone who’s had to try to diet knows that will power is very unreliable. You’re going to set goals that allow you to capitalize on motivation.
Your initial goal, I like to call a Personal Motivation Statement. This is where you’d ultimately like to end up. Take just a minute and focus on what prompted you to engage in this community. Download the worksheet below.
| personal_motivation_statement_website_copy.pdf |
Write a sentence or two about what you were hoping to improve in your relationship. This is the beginning of your Personal Motivation Statement. Now, go back and look at it again. Does it focus on changing something about your partner? If it does, refer back to the first section here. You can’t change anyone’s behavior except your own, so if your statement is focused on your partner, change it up. Rewrite it.
Right now this statement can be fairly broad. As you go on, it will change, you’ll gain insight and tweak it to fit. Remember, this is the foundation for everything else you’re going to do, so take the time to really do this exercise.
Having a Personal Motivation Statement is good, but to really ramp up your motivation, you have to know why that Personal Motivation Statement is important. You might be able to tell that I like to play games whenever I can. It makes life more fun.
To clarify a Personal Motivation Statement I like to use a game called “The Five Whys”. The five whys are actually business concepts used to do what’s called root cause analysis. It’s also a really useful tool to help you dig deeper into your thoughts and feelings.
Refer back to your beginning Personal Motivation Statement. You’re going to ask yourself WHY it’s important to you. You’ll get your answer and then you’ll ask again WHY that is important to you. Then you’ll have another answer and you’ll ask WHY that is important? You’ll continue to do this for five cycles. Don’t rush through this. If you are persistent, it will lead to a very clear idea of the value of your Personal Motivation Statement.
To give an example, my Personal Motivation Statement might be: I want to feel closer to my partner.
1. Why is it important to feel closer to my partner? Because closeness feels good.
2. Why is it important to have the good feeling of being close? Because I feel more secure when I’m feeling close.
3. Why is it important to feel more secure? Because feeling more secure reduces my anxiety about belonging in my relationship.
4. Why is it important to have reduced anxiety about belonging? Because then I can be relaxed and really be myself.
5. Why is it important to feel more relaxed and be myself? Because then I have a stable foundation for all the other areas of my life.
Just walking through this exercise reveals something deeper about of what is important to me. I know exactly why it’s important for me to be closer to my partner. It’s going to put me on the road of changing the right behaviors creating more closeness with my partner.
That’s the basics of setting a Personal Motivation Statement about your relationship. Having a Personal Motivation Statement to focus on is a habit you’re starting today. It can be revised as needed, but every day, you want that statement front and center in your awareness. I want you to find such value in focusing on that statement so that by this by the time this program is over, you’ll continue to use it to motivate you to your goals.
The recap:
1. Develop your Personal Motivation Statement about your relationship.
2. Focus on your Personal Motivation Statement for this work you’re doing. It’s your foundation, so it’s important.
3. Go deeper and know the WHY of your Personal Motivation Statement. Knowing what you’re working on and why you’re working on it will help pull you through.
Practice time:
Create a Personal Motivation Statement.
Take all the time you need. It should take you a while and it might be frustrating. Don’t rush it.
If you have an answer that just doesn’t seem right, sit with it. Trust yourself. We all have a deep inner knowing, so when it’s your truth, you’ll know.
Below are a couple of videos that might be helpful to you in your journey to understanding why "why" is so important.
Right now this statement can be fairly broad. As you go on, it will change, you’ll gain insight and tweak it to fit. Remember, this is the foundation for everything else you’re going to do, so take the time to really do this exercise.
Having a Personal Motivation Statement is good, but to really ramp up your motivation, you have to know why that Personal Motivation Statement is important. You might be able to tell that I like to play games whenever I can. It makes life more fun.
To clarify a Personal Motivation Statement I like to use a game called “The Five Whys”. The five whys are actually business concepts used to do what’s called root cause analysis. It’s also a really useful tool to help you dig deeper into your thoughts and feelings.
Refer back to your beginning Personal Motivation Statement. You’re going to ask yourself WHY it’s important to you. You’ll get your answer and then you’ll ask again WHY that is important to you. Then you’ll have another answer and you’ll ask WHY that is important? You’ll continue to do this for five cycles. Don’t rush through this. If you are persistent, it will lead to a very clear idea of the value of your Personal Motivation Statement.
To give an example, my Personal Motivation Statement might be: I want to feel closer to my partner.
1. Why is it important to feel closer to my partner? Because closeness feels good.
2. Why is it important to have the good feeling of being close? Because I feel more secure when I’m feeling close.
3. Why is it important to feel more secure? Because feeling more secure reduces my anxiety about belonging in my relationship.
4. Why is it important to have reduced anxiety about belonging? Because then I can be relaxed and really be myself.
5. Why is it important to feel more relaxed and be myself? Because then I have a stable foundation for all the other areas of my life.
Just walking through this exercise reveals something deeper about of what is important to me. I know exactly why it’s important for me to be closer to my partner. It’s going to put me on the road of changing the right behaviors creating more closeness with my partner.
That’s the basics of setting a Personal Motivation Statement about your relationship. Having a Personal Motivation Statement to focus on is a habit you’re starting today. It can be revised as needed, but every day, you want that statement front and center in your awareness. I want you to find such value in focusing on that statement so that by this by the time this program is over, you’ll continue to use it to motivate you to your goals.
The recap:
1. Develop your Personal Motivation Statement about your relationship.
2. Focus on your Personal Motivation Statement for this work you’re doing. It’s your foundation, so it’s important.
3. Go deeper and know the WHY of your Personal Motivation Statement. Knowing what you’re working on and why you’re working on it will help pull you through.
Practice time:
Create a Personal Motivation Statement.
Take all the time you need. It should take you a while and it might be frustrating. Don’t rush it.
If you have an answer that just doesn’t seem right, sit with it. Trust yourself. We all have a deep inner knowing, so when it’s your truth, you’ll know.
Below are a couple of videos that might be helpful to you in your journey to understanding why "why" is so important.
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Do You Know What You’re Thinking?
Have you ever been astounded by your thinking at times? Do you react and respond at times without seeming to think at all? Well there’s a reason for that. It helps to understand some of the science of how your brain works. Knowing will help you change some of those fixed behavior tracks that aren’t helpful.
Again, what you think and feel is important, but it’s your behavior that helps in Winning Your Relationship Game. You’ll need to understand how your thoughts and feelings lead to behaviors. The root of the word ‘emotion’ means ‘cause to move’. You have emotions or feelings for a reason. They’re intended to protect us, but can be both a gift and a curse.
A lot of your responses to feelings are based on well learned patterns of behavior. Before age 5, your brain is like a sponge. Soaking up so much learning, it’s just amazing. Research now shows our brains continue to develop until around age 25. A lot of what your brain learns is how to respond to situations around you. Your brain loves to solve problems and it acts to establish patterns to ‘help you out’.
Some behavior patterns are fixed so deeply, it’s often hard to find them. It’s also why when you have a strong emotional response to a situation, we can often find the underlying issue in your childhood.
There are a lot of models to talk about how the brain works. The one I like to use describes the brain being two parts. I call them the primal brain and the logic brain. The primal brain controls the apparatus of life, breathing, circulation, etc. Its job is to keep you alive and safe.
Have you had the experience of touching something hot and reflexively pulling your hand away before you even realized that it’s hot? That’s the work of your primal brain! You can be thankful it works like it should. It doesn’t wait around for the logic brain to figure it out. It says, “Hey! That’s not safe! I’m pulling our hand away now!” In that moment of perceived danger, it takes over. And so it does anytime it perceives you’re not safe.
The logic brain works quite differently. It makes a plan, weighs the pros and the cons, and then carefully, methodically carries it out. Now this might take just a few moments, but when there’s imminent risk, those moments are too high a cost. Imagine facing a large, hungry tiger. The primal brain takes over and you run or fight. If the logic brain was in charge, you’d start to weigh your options, calculate the best move and then get ready to respond. In the meantime, you’re lunch.
As an adult, you still carry those behavior tracks established long ago. When your primal brain notices something reminiscent of a past unsafe or painful situation, it gets triggered and responds automatically. Without consulting the logic brain, it ‘helps you out’. This response usually looks like anxiety, fear, or anger.
Unfortunately, the primal brain has no discernment. To it, danger is danger is danger and all similar risk is dealt with the same. The primal brain detects risk and tells your body how to react. This results in heart rate increases and changes in your breathing. Your stomach may get fluttery or tight. Your primal brain is getting your body ready to run or fight. When you get to this state, the logic brain is overridden and won’t operate. This state is called flooding. When you’re flooded, you’re primal brain is in charge, it’s going to take measures to protect you. The logic brain is shut down so as not to get in the way of survival.
In current day situations, the ghost of past events is ever present. The primal brain assumes it knows what to do. Remember, it doesn’t have the capacity to discern time or even person. It just acts on a trigger or an activating event. An activating event today will start off an old embedded behavior track. Because of the lack of discernment in the primal brain, your response to activating events usually falls into the 90/10 principle. Meaning 90% of what you feel today is attributed to past events and only 10% is due to what’s really going on today.
To illustrate, I’ll share this story. I had a young man, about 9 or 10 years old that I was working with. He came in for his session and told me he’d gotten sunburnt. It was pretty severe, he had to be seen medically and everything. We continued our session, talked and laughed as usual. Now our practice was to give a little sideways hug when we were done. Well that day, our session ended and I put my arm across his shoulders and he cringed away from me. Why? Because my action was an activating event. His extreme response to me was more about the wound of the sunburn than to my touch which activated it.
In that same way, your deep wounds get activated today and you respond with all the force of the old wound. The activating event will only be the cause of 10% of that. Learning to modulate that reaction, explain and explore fully what’s going on and taking measures to heal your own wounds will take a commitment.
You have to first recognize your strong emotional reactions and be willing to explore them. It isn’t necessarily easy, but it’s a requirement for self-growth. Remember growth is painful and chaotic at times. Next, you have to be able to articulate and share what’s going on. This requires a level of emotional intimacy that some people aren’t comfortable with. Gaining communication skills will increase your comfort level.
Lastly, you need to ask your partner to support your healing. Remember it’s your own responsibility to take care of and heal yourself. BUT you can ask others for help if they are willing to give it!
The recap:
1. You have a primal brain and a logic brain. Your primal brain keeps you safe.
2. The primal brain only knows response tracks that were laid down long ago.
3. When old wounds are activated, 90% of your pain comes from the old wound and only 10% comes from what is actually happening today.
4. When old wounds are activated, the primal brain responds as if to danger. It floods you with emotions intended to keep us safe
5. This flooding causes your logic brain to shut down. To reduce this destructive process, you must:
Recognize when you’re activated
Explore the old wound
Express your pain
Ask for what you need for healing
Simple, right?
Practice time:
Looking back over the past week, identify any situations in your life where you had a strong emotional reaction. Record those on the worksheet below. We'll use them to help with another exercise later on.
| strong_emotional_reaction_website_version.pdf |
How to Heal
What does first aid have to do with relationships? The truth is everyone has some healing to do. Usually those areas of healing can be identified by a strong emotional reaction by you or your partner.
If you want to heal, you’re going to have to dig into the source of these reactions and look for ways to heal. This can go a long way in deepening the understanding of yourself as well as building intimacy between you and your partner.
Getting to the source of problems can make life a lot easier. Take this story. Once upon a time, there was a curious congressman who worked in Washington, DC. He lived in the suburbs and every day took the train into the city to work. During his ride, he enjoyed looking out the windows and watching the changing scenery around Washington.
Every year, he noticed scaffolding would be set up around the Lincoln Memorial. Because he was curious, he wondered why the workers went through so much pain every year to do this exercise. He decided to make a few calls.
What he found was every year; the statue had to be cleaned. Over the year, birds would come into the Memorial and leave their droppings all over the marble. Over time, the droppings would degrade the statue if it wasn’t cleaned up.
That seemed a satisfactory answer, but remember our guy is curious. He started to explore why there were birds around the Memorial in the first place. The answer was they come to eat the spiders. Well that made sense, but he wasn’t satisfied. He asked, “Why are there so many spiders here?” The answer was, “Because they come to eat the moths.” Of course he questioned further to find out why the moths were there. Well, moths were drawn to the lights that burned inside the Lincoln Memorial.
So, how can you solve the problem of moths? If you take the time to study moth behavior, you will learn that moths swarm at dusk every night, but once they’ve swarmed where they swarm. They will stay there. Our curious congressman suggested that the lights be left off for one hour following dusk allowing the moths to complete their swarming….somewhere else. Voila, all the problems were resolved by adequately getting to the source of the problem which seemed unrelated. You need to have the same sense of unrelenting curiosity when it comes to self-discovery and getting to the source of issues in your relationship.
Most of you are free to choose your partners and you have a subconscious tendency to select someone who ‘fits’ you. You often feel your selected partner is a perfect match….and they are. But not necessarily in the way you think. You may have a lot in common with your partner and feel that’s where the attraction lies. But your partner is also perfectly suited to help heal you.
Everyone comes through childhood carrying some wounds. During childhood and as a young adult, your brain is forming and absorbing massive amounts of information. Your primal brain is busily recording behavior tracks for use in response to events later in your life.
Problem is, sometimes your learning is right for one event, but inappropriate for others. Take Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as an extreme example. A soldier in a war ‘learns’ a loud noise means danger and responds by hitting the ground to protect himself. That’s appropriate learning as long as he’s in an active war situation. When he returns home and hears a loud noise, responding in the same way is automatic but inappropriate in a peaceful hometown.
Like this example, when you experience an activating event, your response is intended to keep you safe. Remember, your primal brain’s job is to keep you safe. It takes over when danger of any kind is detected. It says, “Hey, I know what to do, don’t bother thinking about this. I have an automatic and subconscious response all ready to go.” You have millions of these behavior tracks that tell you how to respond to the world.
I did mention first aid. Part of the responsibility of being in a relationship is to help heal each other’s wounds. That means you will touch each other’s wounded places. Just like having a physical wound cleaned and dressed, it’s not very comfortable. In truth though, the activation today creates only 10% of our pain. Ninety percent is tied to our old wound. The result is you have a strong emotional reaction. Your partner activates those wounded places in you and you respond in a way that reflects all the depth of the pain you carry. Likewise, their response to you is connected to a wound they carry. If you want to heal the source, any situation evoking a strong reaction is worth examining.
All of these powerful influences act on you and your relationship. It happens with little or no awareness. It’s our primal brain keeping us safe. Your growth requires knowing where those wounded places are and taking responsibility for healing your own wounds. Ideally your partner is willing to help with the healing, but it’s not necessary.
While I don’t necessarily like to focus attention into the past, often understanding, expressing and receiving comfort for wounds in the past can help you move forward. Remember that behavior is where the rubber meets the road, but you’ve got to get past those emotions to do it. Using this process can help you get a handle on that.
To identify those wounded places, you have to travel back in time. Download the worksheet below.
What does first aid have to do with relationships? The truth is everyone has some healing to do. Usually those areas of healing can be identified by a strong emotional reaction by you or your partner.
If you want to heal, you’re going to have to dig into the source of these reactions and look for ways to heal. This can go a long way in deepening the understanding of yourself as well as building intimacy between you and your partner.
Getting to the source of problems can make life a lot easier. Take this story. Once upon a time, there was a curious congressman who worked in Washington, DC. He lived in the suburbs and every day took the train into the city to work. During his ride, he enjoyed looking out the windows and watching the changing scenery around Washington.
Every year, he noticed scaffolding would be set up around the Lincoln Memorial. Because he was curious, he wondered why the workers went through so much pain every year to do this exercise. He decided to make a few calls.
What he found was every year; the statue had to be cleaned. Over the year, birds would come into the Memorial and leave their droppings all over the marble. Over time, the droppings would degrade the statue if it wasn’t cleaned up.
That seemed a satisfactory answer, but remember our guy is curious. He started to explore why there were birds around the Memorial in the first place. The answer was they come to eat the spiders. Well that made sense, but he wasn’t satisfied. He asked, “Why are there so many spiders here?” The answer was, “Because they come to eat the moths.” Of course he questioned further to find out why the moths were there. Well, moths were drawn to the lights that burned inside the Lincoln Memorial.
So, how can you solve the problem of moths? If you take the time to study moth behavior, you will learn that moths swarm at dusk every night, but once they’ve swarmed where they swarm. They will stay there. Our curious congressman suggested that the lights be left off for one hour following dusk allowing the moths to complete their swarming….somewhere else. Voila, all the problems were resolved by adequately getting to the source of the problem which seemed unrelated. You need to have the same sense of unrelenting curiosity when it comes to self-discovery and getting to the source of issues in your relationship.
Most of you are free to choose your partners and you have a subconscious tendency to select someone who ‘fits’ you. You often feel your selected partner is a perfect match….and they are. But not necessarily in the way you think. You may have a lot in common with your partner and feel that’s where the attraction lies. But your partner is also perfectly suited to help heal you.
Everyone comes through childhood carrying some wounds. During childhood and as a young adult, your brain is forming and absorbing massive amounts of information. Your primal brain is busily recording behavior tracks for use in response to events later in your life.
Problem is, sometimes your learning is right for one event, but inappropriate for others. Take Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as an extreme example. A soldier in a war ‘learns’ a loud noise means danger and responds by hitting the ground to protect himself. That’s appropriate learning as long as he’s in an active war situation. When he returns home and hears a loud noise, responding in the same way is automatic but inappropriate in a peaceful hometown.
Like this example, when you experience an activating event, your response is intended to keep you safe. Remember, your primal brain’s job is to keep you safe. It takes over when danger of any kind is detected. It says, “Hey, I know what to do, don’t bother thinking about this. I have an automatic and subconscious response all ready to go.” You have millions of these behavior tracks that tell you how to respond to the world.
I did mention first aid. Part of the responsibility of being in a relationship is to help heal each other’s wounds. That means you will touch each other’s wounded places. Just like having a physical wound cleaned and dressed, it’s not very comfortable. In truth though, the activation today creates only 10% of our pain. Ninety percent is tied to our old wound. The result is you have a strong emotional reaction. Your partner activates those wounded places in you and you respond in a way that reflects all the depth of the pain you carry. Likewise, their response to you is connected to a wound they carry. If you want to heal the source, any situation evoking a strong reaction is worth examining.
All of these powerful influences act on you and your relationship. It happens with little or no awareness. It’s our primal brain keeping us safe. Your growth requires knowing where those wounded places are and taking responsibility for healing your own wounds. Ideally your partner is willing to help with the healing, but it’s not necessary.
While I don’t necessarily like to focus attention into the past, often understanding, expressing and receiving comfort for wounds in the past can help you move forward. Remember that behavior is where the rubber meets the road, but you’ve got to get past those emotions to do it. Using this process can help you get a handle on that.
To identify those wounded places, you have to travel back in time. Download the worksheet below.
| sources_of_activating_events_for_website.pdf |
Instructions:
You have two columns, one labeled mother and one labeled father. Think about your parents or parent figures. In the first section, identify five positive qualities for each your mother and your father. If you feel there weren’t many positives, then look for the least offensive qualities. These might be things like provided for my needs, hardworking, always there, listened to me, helped me make things, etc.
Once you have that list of ten (five for mom, five for dad), go back and circle the three qualities that seem the most important to you. These are likely the positive qualities you’ve looked for in a partner whether you realized it or not.
Now move to the second section on the worksheet. This time, list the negative traits you recall about your mother and father. Get five negative traits for each of them also. These might be things like left home when I was 10, negated my feelings, spent too much money, hit my mom, etc.
When you’ve got ten, go through those and circle the three worst qualities to you. These will be the ones you feel impacted you the most. Unbeknownst to you, you have also selected a partner that in some ways represents these negative traits. You can’t avoid it. Someone with that combination of traits just feels like “home” to you. Are you horrified? Stay with me.
Take those three worst traits you selected and put them into the chart in section 3 on your worksheet. As a child, what experiences do you remember where those negative traits were demonstrated? List those in the example column.
For each of those examples, what, as a child, do you remember feeling? Did you feel alone, scared, angry? List that in the ‘What I felt’ column.
When you felt those things, what did you do, how did you behave? Did you go hide in your bedroom, try harder to be perfect, shut down, get enraged and scream? List those behaviors in the ‘What I did’ column.
This is how your inexperienced brain decided to handle these types of situations. Your primal brain, remember it’s in charge of safety, adopted what it saw as the safest, most effective way to manage things. It recorded a behavior track to help you out so when you had an activating event later on, it could automatically kick in.
It’s nice to know that your brain works just like it’s supposed to!
Now, look back at your childhood protective behaviors. That’s the last column in section 3. Do you see yourself using those same defenses now? At those moments, you can be sure one of your wounds is being activated. While these behaviors protected you in the past, they are usually ineffective in your adult relationships. You intend to get your needs met with these behaviors, but are actually sabotaging those efforts.
Let’s illustrate. One of the negative qualities from my father was fiscal irresponsibility. He spent money frivolously, often putting the family in financial jeopardy. It created major upset at home. When those arguments happened I’d feel afraid. I got angry and felt powerless. How I behaved was clamming up and giving him the silent treatment.
As an adult, when my partner spent large sums of money, even on worthwhile things, it was an activating event for me. I responded by feeling scared and at risk. What I did was shut down and stew silently. What I really wanted from my partner was agreement that we needed to maintain a certain level of savings for me to feel secure. My behavior ensured that wasn’t going to happen. How can my partner agree to anything when I’m shutting down, avoiding and being powerless?
Realizing your wound is the first step in self-growth. Once you know this, you can’t unknow. When you’ve been activated, take some time to go through Section C of the worksheet. Find where you imagine that wound originated. Don’t let yourself get by with saying, “I don’t know”. When I work with people, I say, “You might not know, but what do you think?” Chances are, if you allow something to come up you’ll get close to the source. Spend some time with it.
The recap:
1. Getting to the source of extreme emotions can help you heal.
2. You chose your partner because they were ideally suited to help you heal.
3. Everyone has subconscious behavior tracks that are established in childhood.
4. The learning from childhood is sometimes inappropriate for adult relationships.
5. The first step in addressing this is looking into childhood behavior patterns that continue.
Try to identify current day situations where your protective behaviors parallel those childhood behaviors.
Warning: This may be very uncomfortable to you. Walk away from the exercise if you need to, but come back later. Share what you learn with someone you can trust.
You have two columns, one labeled mother and one labeled father. Think about your parents or parent figures. In the first section, identify five positive qualities for each your mother and your father. If you feel there weren’t many positives, then look for the least offensive qualities. These might be things like provided for my needs, hardworking, always there, listened to me, helped me make things, etc.
Once you have that list of ten (five for mom, five for dad), go back and circle the three qualities that seem the most important to you. These are likely the positive qualities you’ve looked for in a partner whether you realized it or not.
Now move to the second section on the worksheet. This time, list the negative traits you recall about your mother and father. Get five negative traits for each of them also. These might be things like left home when I was 10, negated my feelings, spent too much money, hit my mom, etc.
When you’ve got ten, go through those and circle the three worst qualities to you. These will be the ones you feel impacted you the most. Unbeknownst to you, you have also selected a partner that in some ways represents these negative traits. You can’t avoid it. Someone with that combination of traits just feels like “home” to you. Are you horrified? Stay with me.
Take those three worst traits you selected and put them into the chart in section 3 on your worksheet. As a child, what experiences do you remember where those negative traits were demonstrated? List those in the example column.
For each of those examples, what, as a child, do you remember feeling? Did you feel alone, scared, angry? List that in the ‘What I felt’ column.
When you felt those things, what did you do, how did you behave? Did you go hide in your bedroom, try harder to be perfect, shut down, get enraged and scream? List those behaviors in the ‘What I did’ column.
This is how your inexperienced brain decided to handle these types of situations. Your primal brain, remember it’s in charge of safety, adopted what it saw as the safest, most effective way to manage things. It recorded a behavior track to help you out so when you had an activating event later on, it could automatically kick in.
It’s nice to know that your brain works just like it’s supposed to!
Now, look back at your childhood protective behaviors. That’s the last column in section 3. Do you see yourself using those same defenses now? At those moments, you can be sure one of your wounds is being activated. While these behaviors protected you in the past, they are usually ineffective in your adult relationships. You intend to get your needs met with these behaviors, but are actually sabotaging those efforts.
Let’s illustrate. One of the negative qualities from my father was fiscal irresponsibility. He spent money frivolously, often putting the family in financial jeopardy. It created major upset at home. When those arguments happened I’d feel afraid. I got angry and felt powerless. How I behaved was clamming up and giving him the silent treatment.
As an adult, when my partner spent large sums of money, even on worthwhile things, it was an activating event for me. I responded by feeling scared and at risk. What I did was shut down and stew silently. What I really wanted from my partner was agreement that we needed to maintain a certain level of savings for me to feel secure. My behavior ensured that wasn’t going to happen. How can my partner agree to anything when I’m shutting down, avoiding and being powerless?
Realizing your wound is the first step in self-growth. Once you know this, you can’t unknow. When you’ve been activated, take some time to go through Section C of the worksheet. Find where you imagine that wound originated. Don’t let yourself get by with saying, “I don’t know”. When I work with people, I say, “You might not know, but what do you think?” Chances are, if you allow something to come up you’ll get close to the source. Spend some time with it.
The recap:
1. Getting to the source of extreme emotions can help you heal.
2. You chose your partner because they were ideally suited to help you heal.
3. Everyone has subconscious behavior tracks that are established in childhood.
4. The learning from childhood is sometimes inappropriate for adult relationships.
5. The first step in addressing this is looking into childhood behavior patterns that continue.
Try to identify current day situations where your protective behaviors parallel those childhood behaviors.
Warning: This may be very uncomfortable to you. Walk away from the exercise if you need to, but come back later. Share what you learn with someone you can trust.
Managing Our Personal Resources
Digging into our painful emotions can be overwhelming. To mange this, you need to know the one magic trick to handling everything. Taking care of yourself is the key. If you’re committed to change, you have to maintain your personal resources. Your personal resources are what you internally possess which allows you to manage life, to make behavior changes or cope with stressors.
Visualize a container that you always carry. It contains your personal resources. They’re available to draw on as needed. Like sleep though, you have to replenish regularly. Remember, your life performance depends on these resources. At times when they’re low, you won’t handle things as well as you might when they’re adequate. Your best performance is when your personal resources are at maximum capacity.
To manage these resources well, you have to be aware of the level, how to replenish and what drains them. To illustrate, take this example: Mom leaves work, picks up the kids, and goes home to get dinner on the table.
Scenario #1-Mom had a crappy day. There was an accident on the way home. When she walks in, she realizes she’s forgotten to take something out to cook for dinner. She’s tired, upset, running late and trying to decide between takeout pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches. One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds in a frustrated tone, “Not now, I’m busy. Go get started on your homework.”
Scenario #2-Mom had a great day at work. She got off early and picks up the kids. Walking in the door at home, she smells the lovely scent of pot roast. She remembers putting it in the crock pot this morning. Now all she has to do is heat a veggie and dinner will be served. One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds with a smile, “Sure! Do you need some help with your homework too?”
The difference in those two scenarios is the level of mom’s personal resources. In scenario #1, she is depleted. She’s scraping the bottom of her resource container. She hasn't realized her capacity for managing herself is diminished. She has nothing left for those around her. In scenario #2, her container is overflowing. She has enough to pour herself out generously on those around her.
Your first challenge is greater self-awareness. Take a moment to look back over your week. Identify a time when you reacted poorly in a situation. Were your personal resources low? Do you know what drained them? Now that you know, you can’t unknow it. So being aware of your level of personal resources, you have to take charge of them. How do you keep them as high as possible?
Learn to keep balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. If you have a program of excellent self-care, you’ll keep your resources high.
Is that selfish? Taking good care of your personal resources is the most unselfish thing you can do. When you are full, you can’t help but spill over on everyone else. You’ve encountered these people. Someone with good levels of personal resources is happy and joyful, open and giving. Someone whose resources are depleted is resentful and bitter, doing things grudgingly.
So what fills you up? Keeping your resources high requires awareness, replenishment and eliminating drains to your resources. You need these resources to fuel making behavior changes and sticking to a plan. It’s hard to resist impulsive or habitual behavior when resources are low.
In my work with addictions, there’s an acronym to stress times of high risk for relapse potential. It’s helpful to keep you on track with monitoring your personal resources too. The acronym is HALT-Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. I like to add Rushing, Distracted or in Pain. Any of these conditions deplete your personal resources.
Additionally, any unresolved issues make a hole in your bucket. Childhood trauma or other huge stressors will continuously siphon your resources. Once you know what’s draining it, take steps to eliminate the drains as quickly as possible. To be effective in maintaining behavior changes and dealing effectively with others, you must be responsible to maintain your own personal resources.
Now let’s twist this up a bit: Your partner has a container that holds their personal resources. Their container has to be replenished regularly. Their life performance depends on these resources. At times when they’re low, your partner won’t handle things as well as they might otherwise.
Go back to the mom story. The child in the story behaved the same in both scenarios. The child was in no way responsible for mom’s response. The only difference was the level of mom’s personal resources. Mom’s response had absolutely nothing to do with the child.
Look back over your week. Was there a time your partner acted poorly? If you were involved, did you take it personally? Is it possible that their personal resources were low? What was draining them? What fills your partner up? What drains your partner’s container? What holes does your partner have in their container? If you began to have empathy for your partner how much difference would that make in your interactions?
Being attentive to your own personal resources will help support your good in the world. Being aware of low resource, high risk times can help you and your partner avoid taking reactions personally. Recognizing times of high risk can help raise your awareness and move you to action.
The recap:
1. Increase your awareness of your personal resource level.
2. Work on continuous replenishment of your personal resources.
3. Recognize what drains you and address those things as soon as you can.
4. Identify what fills you up. Incorporate these things in your life.
5. Your partner’s actions are related to their level of resources as well.
Practice:
Make a list of 50 things that you can do just for you. I know it won’t be easy, but 50 makes it a stretch for you. See how many of these you can incorporate into your day.
Managing Reactions
Did you ever start an innocent conversation with your partner and it blew up into a huge fight? What behaviors help us manage conflicts better? In any conflict your goal is to have your message heard and understood.
You’ve learned there’s lots of feelings and buried wounds to navigate. You’re bound to stumble upon some of them. When you do, it’s best to have a plan for handling them. Recall from earlier, when you experience an activating event, it triggers the primal part of your brain. Whether you blow up or shut down, your primal brain calls the shots. It’s designed for survival, so feeling anxious, scared or mad tells it to take over.
What happens in your body when you get anxious or upset? Usually, your heart rate quickens, your pulse races, your breathing become shallow, and your stomach tightens up. That’s your primal brain sending signals to your body saying, “Get ready! Time to fight or run to keep safe.” This state is called being flooded. It’s a challenge to interrupt that signal and often exhaustion is what finally stops it.
Recall while you’re in the primal part of your brain, you can’t logically think or act. You won’t be able to process information at this time. Someone in their primal brain can’t think logically. That’s true for you and for your partner. Information shared while one of you is in your primal brain will not hit its mark.
What do you notice about your partner when they get upset? Do you see any outward signs? You may not notice anything, especially if your partner withdraws when they’re upset. The quiet exterior may not tell the story you’d see on the inside.
One of the best ways to gauge this is by using an oximeter clipped to your finger. It checks your heart rate and the oxygen level in your blood. Of course, most of us don’t own oximeters. You can learn to notice your own physiological responses and serve as your own biofeedback tool. Sometimes, I’ll ask couples to give a physiological update during a discussion. Often, it’s a surprise when people say they are flooded. You would never know it by looking at them. When people get flooded during an uncomfortable discussion it’s time to take a break.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that it takes an average of 20 minutes for someone to recover from feeling flooded. A flooded state halts any communication. It takes 20 minutes for the heart rate to come down and for oxygen levels to stabilize. You can infer it takes 20 minutes to get out of your primal brain and be ready to think logically. During a discussion, when you or your partner becomes flooded, optimally, you would take 20 minutes to calm down. That doesn’t mean going in the other room and plotting how to “win” the argument or ruminating over the injustice you perceive. That means going in the other room and practicing a self-soothing activity.
If you actually had an oximeter, you could clip it on and monitor your state of calmness by looking at it. In my practice, I’ve found just imagining you have an oximeter can give you the biofeedback you need. When you’ve reached that state of calm, then come back to the discussion and maybe try a different approach. According to Dr. Gottman, 94% of the success of a conversation is dependent on the approach. Use The Deeper Understanding Script (later)to craft an approach that will help your message get through.
When disagreements or tense topics come up, and someone’s primal brain gets activated, it’s not the most productive time to have a conversation. Take a break and calm down. Lots of people say they try to take a break and their partner won’t let them. Most of the time, this is because your partner believes that if you leave the situation, the issue won’t be revisited. In fairness some of us do that. When they get flooded around an issue, they’ll stonewall rather than continue to work on it.
Coming back to continue a difficult discussion isn’t much fun most of the time. You have to be committed to return and finish the discussion. You may have to convince your partner that you’ll be back. Once you’ve exited the situation, go make yourself calm. Use a relaxation exercise that works for you. Use one of the methods you came up with.
Go back and try again to continue the conversation. If you get flooded again, then stop again. It might take all day at first, but you’ll be more successful if you allow your logic brain to kick it. Learning to soothe you is invaluable in breaking the negative communication cycle.
The Recap:
1. Learn to notice when you’re activated. Take note of how your body feels when you’re activated. Take note of your thoughts and feelings when you’re activated.
2. For your message to get through, neither you nor your partner can be in your primal brain. Take a break and calm down.
3. Use relaxation methods that work for you to consistently soothe yourself.
Practice:
Make a list of 25 things that help you relax. Try to use one or more when you find yourself upset.
Have Some Self Compassion
You can’t give others what you don’t have. Taking care of yourself is priority number one. If you take care of yourself well enough, you can do anything. Someone who has plenty of personal resources pours them out on others making the world a beautiful place.
One pillar of successful relationships is compassion. There’s been a lot of talk about having compassion for your partner, but do you have compassion for yourself? Martin Luther made the statement, “…..I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours of my day in prayer.” One of the meanings of this quote is when you’re the busiest; you have to balance that with stillness and care for yourself. It means that at times when you think you can’t possibly spare any of that precious time, that’s when you need good self-care the most.
Have you felt completely drained? Felt angry, resentful, like the blood was being sucked out of you? Good sign you are out of balance. I’ve been in that place and am now honored to practice balance. My life’s work requires me to give to others, not to mention family and other interests. When I feel overwhelmed I look at what I’m doing for self-care. I incorporate self-caring activities daily. If you’re going to be all you can be for others, there’s no room for resentment or burnout.
Self-care and compassion doesn’t have to be expensive or completely time consuming. One of my self-care rituals is to take a bathroom break in between patients. I wash my hands as a cleansing gesture. I don’t want to carry the last patient’s energy into my next session. Then I have a little jar of organic hand cream that is really thick and luxurious feeling. I rub it on my hands before I bring in my next patient. It’s just a little act of service for myself. It makes me feel pretty special. It’s me taking care of myself in one small way.
You already practiced noticing when your resources are low. Are you identifying when you’re hungry, angry, lonely tired, rushed, distracted or in pain? Taking time to acknowledge and address what’s draining you is an act of self-compassion.
These lessons have stressed letting your partner know what your needs are. How can you do this without acknowledging them yourself? If you feel your partner doesn’t take your needs seriously, I guarantee you’re not taking your needs seriously.
Having compassion for yourself means loving you. What was your love language (See Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages)? How do you speak that language to yourself? How can you fill your love tank more? If your language is quality time, when have you spent time quietly with yourself? If your language is acts of service, what was the last thing you did for yourself? If your language is gift giving, have you given yourself anything lately? If your language is words of affirmation, are you calling yourself names in your head? If your language is physical touch, do you get massages and pedicures regularly? Speaking to yourself in your own love language will be an act of self-compassion.
Everyone’s different so we’ll have different ways to nurture ourselves. What comes up for you, as a means of self-nurture? Some of the answers I’ve had: Pedicure, have a movie night with myself, buy and read a new book over a weekend, play golf, go to the beach, take a long shower. All are good. You think of something that sounds nice or fun to you even if it’s something that seems impossible like taking a trip to Vegas.
You’re going to make a list of things that spark your interest, seem interesting or calming. Even if you feel it’s impossible like that trip to Vegas. I don’t want you to focus on how it’s going to happen. Just focus on the nurturing or feel good objective. Don’t eliminate anything because you don’t know how it’s going to happen. You’re just dreaming here.
If an impossible Vegas trip is on your list, what’s something you can do to bring it closer? Maybe you could look at reviews of hotels. You could check for any interesting seasonal activities planned there. You could research plane tickets for cheapest time of the year to fly there. Pick something around that large nurturing objective that is doable for you right now. The idea is to have a little fun! With yourself!
The recap:
1. Be continually mindful of balance in your life
2. Find things that make you feel nurtured and loved
3. Do something for yourself every day.
4. Do more for yourself when your container is running dry.
Practice:
List out 50 things that are self-nurturing for you. Download a worksheet below:
Digging into our painful emotions can be overwhelming. To mange this, you need to know the one magic trick to handling everything. Taking care of yourself is the key. If you’re committed to change, you have to maintain your personal resources. Your personal resources are what you internally possess which allows you to manage life, to make behavior changes or cope with stressors.
Visualize a container that you always carry. It contains your personal resources. They’re available to draw on as needed. Like sleep though, you have to replenish regularly. Remember, your life performance depends on these resources. At times when they’re low, you won’t handle things as well as you might when they’re adequate. Your best performance is when your personal resources are at maximum capacity.
To manage these resources well, you have to be aware of the level, how to replenish and what drains them. To illustrate, take this example: Mom leaves work, picks up the kids, and goes home to get dinner on the table.
Scenario #1-Mom had a crappy day. There was an accident on the way home. When she walks in, she realizes she’s forgotten to take something out to cook for dinner. She’s tired, upset, running late and trying to decide between takeout pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches. One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds in a frustrated tone, “Not now, I’m busy. Go get started on your homework.”
Scenario #2-Mom had a great day at work. She got off early and picks up the kids. Walking in the door at home, she smells the lovely scent of pot roast. She remembers putting it in the crock pot this morning. Now all she has to do is heat a veggie and dinner will be served. One of the children comes into the kitchen and says, “Mom, come see what I made at school!” Mom responds with a smile, “Sure! Do you need some help with your homework too?”
The difference in those two scenarios is the level of mom’s personal resources. In scenario #1, she is depleted. She’s scraping the bottom of her resource container. She hasn't realized her capacity for managing herself is diminished. She has nothing left for those around her. In scenario #2, her container is overflowing. She has enough to pour herself out generously on those around her.
Your first challenge is greater self-awareness. Take a moment to look back over your week. Identify a time when you reacted poorly in a situation. Were your personal resources low? Do you know what drained them? Now that you know, you can’t unknow it. So being aware of your level of personal resources, you have to take charge of them. How do you keep them as high as possible?
Learn to keep balance between doing things for yourself and doing things for others. If you have a program of excellent self-care, you’ll keep your resources high.
Is that selfish? Taking good care of your personal resources is the most unselfish thing you can do. When you are full, you can’t help but spill over on everyone else. You’ve encountered these people. Someone with good levels of personal resources is happy and joyful, open and giving. Someone whose resources are depleted is resentful and bitter, doing things grudgingly.
So what fills you up? Keeping your resources high requires awareness, replenishment and eliminating drains to your resources. You need these resources to fuel making behavior changes and sticking to a plan. It’s hard to resist impulsive or habitual behavior when resources are low.
In my work with addictions, there’s an acronym to stress times of high risk for relapse potential. It’s helpful to keep you on track with monitoring your personal resources too. The acronym is HALT-Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. I like to add Rushing, Distracted or in Pain. Any of these conditions deplete your personal resources.
Additionally, any unresolved issues make a hole in your bucket. Childhood trauma or other huge stressors will continuously siphon your resources. Once you know what’s draining it, take steps to eliminate the drains as quickly as possible. To be effective in maintaining behavior changes and dealing effectively with others, you must be responsible to maintain your own personal resources.
Now let’s twist this up a bit: Your partner has a container that holds their personal resources. Their container has to be replenished regularly. Their life performance depends on these resources. At times when they’re low, your partner won’t handle things as well as they might otherwise.
Go back to the mom story. The child in the story behaved the same in both scenarios. The child was in no way responsible for mom’s response. The only difference was the level of mom’s personal resources. Mom’s response had absolutely nothing to do with the child.
Look back over your week. Was there a time your partner acted poorly? If you were involved, did you take it personally? Is it possible that their personal resources were low? What was draining them? What fills your partner up? What drains your partner’s container? What holes does your partner have in their container? If you began to have empathy for your partner how much difference would that make in your interactions?
Being attentive to your own personal resources will help support your good in the world. Being aware of low resource, high risk times can help you and your partner avoid taking reactions personally. Recognizing times of high risk can help raise your awareness and move you to action.
The recap:
1. Increase your awareness of your personal resource level.
2. Work on continuous replenishment of your personal resources.
3. Recognize what drains you and address those things as soon as you can.
4. Identify what fills you up. Incorporate these things in your life.
5. Your partner’s actions are related to their level of resources as well.
Practice:
Make a list of 50 things that you can do just for you. I know it won’t be easy, but 50 makes it a stretch for you. See how many of these you can incorporate into your day.
Managing Reactions
Did you ever start an innocent conversation with your partner and it blew up into a huge fight? What behaviors help us manage conflicts better? In any conflict your goal is to have your message heard and understood.
You’ve learned there’s lots of feelings and buried wounds to navigate. You’re bound to stumble upon some of them. When you do, it’s best to have a plan for handling them. Recall from earlier, when you experience an activating event, it triggers the primal part of your brain. Whether you blow up or shut down, your primal brain calls the shots. It’s designed for survival, so feeling anxious, scared or mad tells it to take over.
What happens in your body when you get anxious or upset? Usually, your heart rate quickens, your pulse races, your breathing become shallow, and your stomach tightens up. That’s your primal brain sending signals to your body saying, “Get ready! Time to fight or run to keep safe.” This state is called being flooded. It’s a challenge to interrupt that signal and often exhaustion is what finally stops it.
Recall while you’re in the primal part of your brain, you can’t logically think or act. You won’t be able to process information at this time. Someone in their primal brain can’t think logically. That’s true for you and for your partner. Information shared while one of you is in your primal brain will not hit its mark.
What do you notice about your partner when they get upset? Do you see any outward signs? You may not notice anything, especially if your partner withdraws when they’re upset. The quiet exterior may not tell the story you’d see on the inside.
One of the best ways to gauge this is by using an oximeter clipped to your finger. It checks your heart rate and the oxygen level in your blood. Of course, most of us don’t own oximeters. You can learn to notice your own physiological responses and serve as your own biofeedback tool. Sometimes, I’ll ask couples to give a physiological update during a discussion. Often, it’s a surprise when people say they are flooded. You would never know it by looking at them. When people get flooded during an uncomfortable discussion it’s time to take a break.
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that it takes an average of 20 minutes for someone to recover from feeling flooded. A flooded state halts any communication. It takes 20 minutes for the heart rate to come down and for oxygen levels to stabilize. You can infer it takes 20 minutes to get out of your primal brain and be ready to think logically. During a discussion, when you or your partner becomes flooded, optimally, you would take 20 minutes to calm down. That doesn’t mean going in the other room and plotting how to “win” the argument or ruminating over the injustice you perceive. That means going in the other room and practicing a self-soothing activity.
If you actually had an oximeter, you could clip it on and monitor your state of calmness by looking at it. In my practice, I’ve found just imagining you have an oximeter can give you the biofeedback you need. When you’ve reached that state of calm, then come back to the discussion and maybe try a different approach. According to Dr. Gottman, 94% of the success of a conversation is dependent on the approach. Use The Deeper Understanding Script (later)to craft an approach that will help your message get through.
When disagreements or tense topics come up, and someone’s primal brain gets activated, it’s not the most productive time to have a conversation. Take a break and calm down. Lots of people say they try to take a break and their partner won’t let them. Most of the time, this is because your partner believes that if you leave the situation, the issue won’t be revisited. In fairness some of us do that. When they get flooded around an issue, they’ll stonewall rather than continue to work on it.
Coming back to continue a difficult discussion isn’t much fun most of the time. You have to be committed to return and finish the discussion. You may have to convince your partner that you’ll be back. Once you’ve exited the situation, go make yourself calm. Use a relaxation exercise that works for you. Use one of the methods you came up with.
Go back and try again to continue the conversation. If you get flooded again, then stop again. It might take all day at first, but you’ll be more successful if you allow your logic brain to kick it. Learning to soothe you is invaluable in breaking the negative communication cycle.
The Recap:
1. Learn to notice when you’re activated. Take note of how your body feels when you’re activated. Take note of your thoughts and feelings when you’re activated.
2. For your message to get through, neither you nor your partner can be in your primal brain. Take a break and calm down.
3. Use relaxation methods that work for you to consistently soothe yourself.
Practice:
Make a list of 25 things that help you relax. Try to use one or more when you find yourself upset.
Have Some Self Compassion
You can’t give others what you don’t have. Taking care of yourself is priority number one. If you take care of yourself well enough, you can do anything. Someone who has plenty of personal resources pours them out on others making the world a beautiful place.
One pillar of successful relationships is compassion. There’s been a lot of talk about having compassion for your partner, but do you have compassion for yourself? Martin Luther made the statement, “…..I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours of my day in prayer.” One of the meanings of this quote is when you’re the busiest; you have to balance that with stillness and care for yourself. It means that at times when you think you can’t possibly spare any of that precious time, that’s when you need good self-care the most.
Have you felt completely drained? Felt angry, resentful, like the blood was being sucked out of you? Good sign you are out of balance. I’ve been in that place and am now honored to practice balance. My life’s work requires me to give to others, not to mention family and other interests. When I feel overwhelmed I look at what I’m doing for self-care. I incorporate self-caring activities daily. If you’re going to be all you can be for others, there’s no room for resentment or burnout.
Self-care and compassion doesn’t have to be expensive or completely time consuming. One of my self-care rituals is to take a bathroom break in between patients. I wash my hands as a cleansing gesture. I don’t want to carry the last patient’s energy into my next session. Then I have a little jar of organic hand cream that is really thick and luxurious feeling. I rub it on my hands before I bring in my next patient. It’s just a little act of service for myself. It makes me feel pretty special. It’s me taking care of myself in one small way.
You already practiced noticing when your resources are low. Are you identifying when you’re hungry, angry, lonely tired, rushed, distracted or in pain? Taking time to acknowledge and address what’s draining you is an act of self-compassion.
These lessons have stressed letting your partner know what your needs are. How can you do this without acknowledging them yourself? If you feel your partner doesn’t take your needs seriously, I guarantee you’re not taking your needs seriously.
Having compassion for yourself means loving you. What was your love language (See Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages)? How do you speak that language to yourself? How can you fill your love tank more? If your language is quality time, when have you spent time quietly with yourself? If your language is acts of service, what was the last thing you did for yourself? If your language is gift giving, have you given yourself anything lately? If your language is words of affirmation, are you calling yourself names in your head? If your language is physical touch, do you get massages and pedicures regularly? Speaking to yourself in your own love language will be an act of self-compassion.
Everyone’s different so we’ll have different ways to nurture ourselves. What comes up for you, as a means of self-nurture? Some of the answers I’ve had: Pedicure, have a movie night with myself, buy and read a new book over a weekend, play golf, go to the beach, take a long shower. All are good. You think of something that sounds nice or fun to you even if it’s something that seems impossible like taking a trip to Vegas.
You’re going to make a list of things that spark your interest, seem interesting or calming. Even if you feel it’s impossible like that trip to Vegas. I don’t want you to focus on how it’s going to happen. Just focus on the nurturing or feel good objective. Don’t eliminate anything because you don’t know how it’s going to happen. You’re just dreaming here.
If an impossible Vegas trip is on your list, what’s something you can do to bring it closer? Maybe you could look at reviews of hotels. You could check for any interesting seasonal activities planned there. You could research plane tickets for cheapest time of the year to fly there. Pick something around that large nurturing objective that is doable for you right now. The idea is to have a little fun! With yourself!
The recap:
1. Be continually mindful of balance in your life
2. Find things that make you feel nurtured and loved
3. Do something for yourself every day.
4. Do more for yourself when your container is running dry.
Practice:
List out 50 things that are self-nurturing for you. Download a worksheet below:
| self_compassion_for_website.pdf |
Getting to 50 is usually a challenge, but it’s enough to get you to think about it. Once you get that long list done, look at ones you think are impossible. Take those and put them on the second page of the worksheet. Break them down into pieces that are possible. Take the list of possible things and work towards doing something from that list every day. Give yourself a star beside each self-care item you complete. Remember the goal of these items is to create moments of feeling good. Daydreaming about things you’d like to do should be enjoyable. Have fun with this.
A Script for Deeper Understanding
In the same way your partner touches your wounded places, you also activate your partner’s wounds. When does your partner have a strong emotional reaction? Now that you know, you can’t unknow. Your partner’s reaction means they are experiencing an activating event. Healing requires opening up to each other about those wounds. That means communicating about them and going deeper.
Remember that communication is one of the pillars of a great relationship. It is our responsibility to heal ourselves, but it sure is fun if our partner is willing to help us heal too. Finding a great way to communicate can facilitate the process.
This calls for the Deeper Understanding Script. You and your partner can use this whenever you need to express yourself. It gives you the structure of a script to be completed. That helps you find the words to say, stay on track, and get to the source. If you use this when emotion is high, it will ensure your message has the best chance to get thru.
The rules for this script:
1. Keep it brief
2. Exclude the word you
3. Use nonviolent language (more later)
Follow along with the worksheet below and let’s try an example.
A Script for Deeper Understanding
In the same way your partner touches your wounded places, you also activate your partner’s wounds. When does your partner have a strong emotional reaction? Now that you know, you can’t unknow. Your partner’s reaction means they are experiencing an activating event. Healing requires opening up to each other about those wounds. That means communicating about them and going deeper.
Remember that communication is one of the pillars of a great relationship. It is our responsibility to heal ourselves, but it sure is fun if our partner is willing to help us heal too. Finding a great way to communicate can facilitate the process.
This calls for the Deeper Understanding Script. You and your partner can use this whenever you need to express yourself. It gives you the structure of a script to be completed. That helps you find the words to say, stay on track, and get to the source. If you use this when emotion is high, it will ensure your message has the best chance to get thru.
The rules for this script:
1. Keep it brief
2. Exclude the word you
3. Use nonviolent language (more later)
Follow along with the worksheet below and let’s try an example.
| deeper_understanding_worksheet_for_websitee.pdf |
1. When........
For this section, you describe the activating event. Use words that describe the facts of the event without emotional charge. Don’t insert your thoughts, feelings or judgments. This takes practice so take your time. So you might say:
When the lights were left on all night…..
When the TV was purchased……..
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning…..
The second phrase is (I start imagining):
2. I start imagining.......
This phrase helps apply meaning to the event. It helps you explore your thoughts about the event. Building on the previous statements and adding the second phrase might sound like this:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining the power bill is going to be insane…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining spending the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house…..
The third phrase is and (I start to feel):
3. And I start to feel.....
This phrase helps you identify and name your feelings. That is what you want to do here, name a feeling. It’s harder than it seems. Let’s keep going with those examples:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful…..
The fourth phrase is (and then I find myself):
4. And then I find myself......
You've looked at your thoughts and feelings; this phrase examines your behavior. It could something you DO immediately or something you DO later. Let’s tack that on:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff….
The fifth phrase is (what I am really afraid of):
5. What I am really afraid of is.....
This phrase helps identify your need more closely. You’ll be delving further into that wounded place here, so you might feel some resistance. Soothe yourself and keep trying. Let’s continue on with the examples.
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom. What I’m really afraid of is never getting ahead financially…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you. What I’m really afraid of is always having to be super careful with money….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff. What I’m really afraid of is not having time to enjoy myself and recharge….
You made it. This is the last phrase! (In the future would you be willing to):
6. In the future would you be willing to.....
This phrase represents a request to support your healing. The request can be for your partner or for yourself. Remember your healing is your responsibility. Request implies a decline of the request will be met with no repercussions. If you’re going to be angry should your request is refused, then you’re making a demand, not a request.
In general requests are for one of four things:
Understanding
Empathy
Agreement
Behavior change
Considering what you need allows you to make the most appropriate request.
Let’s finish up with this last step:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom. What I’m really afraid of is never getting ahead financially. In the future would you be willing to work together to keep our utility costs down?
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you. What I’m really afraid of is always having to be super careful with money. In the future would you be willing to delay a major purchase until after our obligations are met?
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff. What I’m really afraid of is not having time to enjoy myself and recharge. In the future, can we work together to get the house work done so that we both have relaxation time?
Even if your partner isn’t on board, you’ll use this script to understand yourself more. Make the request of yourself instead of your partner. Doing these exercises alone can be healing as well. If you’re not in the habit of recognizing your deep feelings, do this every time you find yourself upset. Your insight will grow. The best relationship you can build is the one with yourself. If you like, afterwards you can share your experience and insight with your partner.
An example of using the Deeper Understanding Script with yourself would sound like this:
When we argue, I start imagining that I’m unsafe,
And I start to feel frightened,
And then I find myself shutting down and avoiding,
What I’m really afraid of is the anticipation of a big blow up,
In the future, I could ask myself for:
Understanding-Remind myself that my young, inexperienced self was smart enough to use this same defense to keep me safe;
Empathy-Tell myself that it stunk that I had to learn that;
Agreement-Tell myself that it was the best way possible to handle those situations in the past, that most anyone would have done the same thing;
Behavior change-Stay focused on what’s happening now instead of allowing my old wound to influence me.
How did you do with that? This is powerful with couples, but also for individuals who are trying to grow. There is great value in identifying those wounds that still influence you today. Changing your response can alter your perspective on the world around you.
This may feel cumbersome, but the goal here is to grow. That means some pain. When you’re not skilled at something it's helpful to have a plan. This script will serve as your plan. It will push you to reveal more of yourself. It will lead to more understanding of yourself. If you choose to share your insight with your partner, they will understand you more too.
If you’re both doing this program, fantastic! This will be like steroids for your happiness.
So now the recap:
1. You will pick a partner that feels familiar, both in positive and negative traits.
2. You will pick a partner that is perfectly suited to help you grow into wholeness.
3. You can recognize your wounds and take steps to understand and heal with or without your partner’s help.
4. You can use the Deeper Understanding Script to gain insight and grow.
5. You can specifically ask for what you need to support your healing.
Practice:
Remember that worksheet you did earlier? The one where you identified times of strong emotional reactions? Use this Deeper Understanding script to work through some of those situations and determine what’s going on at a deeper level. Rely on your own inner knowing to guide you.
Use the script to help you compose your thoughts in a way that allows your message to get through.
Work through them alone to practice. If you feel safe, use the method to share what you learned with your partner.
A Little More About Non Violent Communication
What if your words carried weight? What if they literally had an impact? What if words carelessly thrown out into the world did damage? Like rocks thrown into a window? The practice of non-violent communication suggests thinking of your words in just that way. Our words are endowed with an energy they carry into the world.
Best you speak your words with intention and mindfulness. Words spoken in this way cause no harm in the world. However, cruel or negative words carry a destructive energy with them. It’s unfortunate that very few of us carefully craft what we say envisioning the damage our words could cause.
Good communication is one of the foundational elements of a positive relationship and practicing non-violent communication is a habit worth building. When you speak, measure the impact your words are going to have. Will they bring you closer to winning or losing? You are responsible to positivity impact your relationship. That requires monitoring and practice.
How can you build the habit of non-violent communication? Think about you last exchange with your partner. Did it exemplify non-violent communication? (Don’t think about your partner’s words. Let that go, think of your own part.) Were your words ones of peace and positivity? Did your words cause harm in any way?
Think about the last complaint you made in your relationship. Your goal is getting your message through. Did you express your complaint in a nonviolent way? If your objective is to be heard, defensiveness has to be minimized. Did your partner respond defensively? People get defensive when they feel attacked. Imagine a boxer defending himself. The purpose of being defended is nothing gets in or out. That means your message isn’t getting in and your partner’s feelings are getting out.
Examine your approach. Can you voice your complaint in a non-violent manner? Expressing yourself nonviolently means no demands, criticism or contempt. It means expressing your thoughts or feelings about a situation and, more importantly, your partner feeling safe to hear you.
Attachment of feelings to complaints is the beginning of a communication problem. The stronger your feelings about an issue, the more you have to work to keep it neutralized. Don’t ever think feelings aren’t OK. Humans are born with feelings for a reason. At times, it’s easier to express that feeling rather than the message. Your partner may only hear the feeling and not the message. Practice communicating the facts especially when there’s a lot of emotional charge.
Use the Deeper Understanding Script. The script is going to help you express yourself more effectively. Just like anything new, it’ll seem clunky and cumbersome at first. Try practicing by writing it out and editing over and over before attempting to use it with your partner.
Walking through the different parts of this script again, the first phrase is:
1. When.....
This statement is a concrete description of facts made without judgment or emotion infusing it. Don’t use the word you. Relate the situation or complaint as facts, like watching a movie.
From my Personal Motivation Statement I’ll create an example for you.
When we haven’t had time to spend together………..
The second phrase is: I start imagining.....
This is where you begin to apply meaning and assumptions to your complaint. If you get stuck on this section, you can play the 5 whys to help you. Again, don’t use the word you.
So my example would be: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us…….
The third phrase is: and I start to feel.....
Here’s where you name the feeling and own it! This is you letting your partner peek at your pain.
With the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone…...
On to the fourth phrase: And then I find myself.....
This will be an actual behavior. This helps you identify the prerecorded behavior tracks that are attached to your thoughts and feelings. What do you DO when you think and feel the things you’ve described? Behaviors are sometimes immediate and then sometimes a different one happens later. It’s ok if you only identify one, but be aware that both can be present.
Back to the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start to imagine it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested……
Phrase five is: What I’m really afraid of is.....
This is where you’re going to dig deeper and further identify the hidden feelings. This is where you’ll find the most opportunity for self-growth.
On with the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested. What I’m really afraid of is we’ll wake up one day and not enjoy being together……
The sixth and last phrase: In the future, would you be willing to.....?
This is you asking for your needs to be met. Remember that self-care stuff? This is one way you take care of yourself, by asking for what you want and need.
Now to be nonviolent communication, this cannot be a demand.
It’s a request. A request implies the person being asked has a choice. A demand means there will be retribution if your partner doesn’t comply. If you’re going to be angry at a refusal, you’re making a demand, not a request.
The example continues: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested. What I’m really afraid of is we’ll wake up one day and not enjoy being together. In the future would you be willing to get season tickets for the local hockey team and go with me?
Would anyone say no to that?
With practice, you can consistently apply these principles to your communications. Become more mindful of your words. Test them out by writing out your complaint using the Deeper Understanding Script. Writing something out gives you a chance to be deliberate about the energy your words carry.
You can test in other ways as well. Ask yourself, would you say it just like that to your best friend? If not, don’t say it that way to your partner. Or say it aloud with a totally flat tone. Does it make sense without inflection? Emotionally charged talk needs inflection. If your words need inflection, then it probably isn’t nonviolent, or say it to yourself looking in your eyes in a mirror. You'll know if it’s violent.
This might be painful but so is all growth! Having your partner really hear you will make this worth the pain.
If you’re working on this with your partner, both of you can use this script and practice together. If you’re working on your own, then it’s still just as useful. You can use it to have your message heard. Don’t be discouraged if your partner is skeptical when you start this. They will soon appreciate the new approach.
The Recap:
1. Non-violent communication gives you the best chance of having your complaints heard.
2. Make complaints without emotion and judgment.
3. Clearly own and share your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
4. Request your wants and needs.
Practice:
Think of the last complaint you made to your partner. Use the Deeper Understanding Script and use it to relate this complaint. Work on it until it’s without emotion, judgment or other offense. Try sharing it again and see if it’s received differently.
For this section, you describe the activating event. Use words that describe the facts of the event without emotional charge. Don’t insert your thoughts, feelings or judgments. This takes practice so take your time. So you might say:
When the lights were left on all night…..
When the TV was purchased……..
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning…..
The second phrase is (I start imagining):
2. I start imagining.......
This phrase helps apply meaning to the event. It helps you explore your thoughts about the event. Building on the previous statements and adding the second phrase might sound like this:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining the power bill is going to be insane…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining spending the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house…..
The third phrase is and (I start to feel):
3. And I start to feel.....
This phrase helps you identify and name your feelings. That is what you want to do here, name a feeling. It’s harder than it seems. Let’s keep going with those examples:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful…..
The fourth phrase is (and then I find myself):
4. And then I find myself......
You've looked at your thoughts and feelings; this phrase examines your behavior. It could something you DO immediately or something you DO later. Let’s tack that on:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff….
The fifth phrase is (what I am really afraid of):
5. What I am really afraid of is.....
This phrase helps identify your need more closely. You’ll be delving further into that wounded place here, so you might feel some resistance. Soothe yourself and keep trying. Let’s continue on with the examples.
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom. What I’m really afraid of is never getting ahead financially…….
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you. What I’m really afraid of is always having to be super careful with money….
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff. What I’m really afraid of is not having time to enjoy myself and recharge….
You made it. This is the last phrase! (In the future would you be willing to):
6. In the future would you be willing to.....
This phrase represents a request to support your healing. The request can be for your partner or for yourself. Remember your healing is your responsibility. Request implies a decline of the request will be met with no repercussions. If you’re going to be angry should your request is refused, then you’re making a demand, not a request.
In general requests are for one of four things:
Understanding
Empathy
Agreement
Behavior change
Considering what you need allows you to make the most appropriate request.
Let’s finish up with this last step:
When the lights were left on all night, I start imagining that the power bill is going to be insane and I start to feel angry and then I find myself blowing up and later crying in the bedroom. What I’m really afraid of is never getting ahead financially. In the future would you be willing to work together to keep our utility costs down?
When the TV was purchased, I start imagining money will run out before the bills are paid and I start to feel scared and then I find myself being snarky to you. What I’m really afraid of is always having to be super careful with money. In the future would you be willing to delay a major purchase until after our obligations are met?
When the dirty laundry was on the floor this morning, I start imagining having to spend the weekend doing nothing but cleaning house and I start to feel resentful and then I find myself buying stuff. What I’m really afraid of is not having time to enjoy myself and recharge. In the future, can we work together to get the house work done so that we both have relaxation time?
Even if your partner isn’t on board, you’ll use this script to understand yourself more. Make the request of yourself instead of your partner. Doing these exercises alone can be healing as well. If you’re not in the habit of recognizing your deep feelings, do this every time you find yourself upset. Your insight will grow. The best relationship you can build is the one with yourself. If you like, afterwards you can share your experience and insight with your partner.
An example of using the Deeper Understanding Script with yourself would sound like this:
When we argue, I start imagining that I’m unsafe,
And I start to feel frightened,
And then I find myself shutting down and avoiding,
What I’m really afraid of is the anticipation of a big blow up,
In the future, I could ask myself for:
Understanding-Remind myself that my young, inexperienced self was smart enough to use this same defense to keep me safe;
Empathy-Tell myself that it stunk that I had to learn that;
Agreement-Tell myself that it was the best way possible to handle those situations in the past, that most anyone would have done the same thing;
Behavior change-Stay focused on what’s happening now instead of allowing my old wound to influence me.
How did you do with that? This is powerful with couples, but also for individuals who are trying to grow. There is great value in identifying those wounds that still influence you today. Changing your response can alter your perspective on the world around you.
This may feel cumbersome, but the goal here is to grow. That means some pain. When you’re not skilled at something it's helpful to have a plan. This script will serve as your plan. It will push you to reveal more of yourself. It will lead to more understanding of yourself. If you choose to share your insight with your partner, they will understand you more too.
If you’re both doing this program, fantastic! This will be like steroids for your happiness.
So now the recap:
1. You will pick a partner that feels familiar, both in positive and negative traits.
2. You will pick a partner that is perfectly suited to help you grow into wholeness.
3. You can recognize your wounds and take steps to understand and heal with or without your partner’s help.
4. You can use the Deeper Understanding Script to gain insight and grow.
5. You can specifically ask for what you need to support your healing.
Practice:
Remember that worksheet you did earlier? The one where you identified times of strong emotional reactions? Use this Deeper Understanding script to work through some of those situations and determine what’s going on at a deeper level. Rely on your own inner knowing to guide you.
Use the script to help you compose your thoughts in a way that allows your message to get through.
Work through them alone to practice. If you feel safe, use the method to share what you learned with your partner.
A Little More About Non Violent Communication
What if your words carried weight? What if they literally had an impact? What if words carelessly thrown out into the world did damage? Like rocks thrown into a window? The practice of non-violent communication suggests thinking of your words in just that way. Our words are endowed with an energy they carry into the world.
Best you speak your words with intention and mindfulness. Words spoken in this way cause no harm in the world. However, cruel or negative words carry a destructive energy with them. It’s unfortunate that very few of us carefully craft what we say envisioning the damage our words could cause.
Good communication is one of the foundational elements of a positive relationship and practicing non-violent communication is a habit worth building. When you speak, measure the impact your words are going to have. Will they bring you closer to winning or losing? You are responsible to positivity impact your relationship. That requires monitoring and practice.
How can you build the habit of non-violent communication? Think about you last exchange with your partner. Did it exemplify non-violent communication? (Don’t think about your partner’s words. Let that go, think of your own part.) Were your words ones of peace and positivity? Did your words cause harm in any way?
Think about the last complaint you made in your relationship. Your goal is getting your message through. Did you express your complaint in a nonviolent way? If your objective is to be heard, defensiveness has to be minimized. Did your partner respond defensively? People get defensive when they feel attacked. Imagine a boxer defending himself. The purpose of being defended is nothing gets in or out. That means your message isn’t getting in and your partner’s feelings are getting out.
Examine your approach. Can you voice your complaint in a non-violent manner? Expressing yourself nonviolently means no demands, criticism or contempt. It means expressing your thoughts or feelings about a situation and, more importantly, your partner feeling safe to hear you.
Attachment of feelings to complaints is the beginning of a communication problem. The stronger your feelings about an issue, the more you have to work to keep it neutralized. Don’t ever think feelings aren’t OK. Humans are born with feelings for a reason. At times, it’s easier to express that feeling rather than the message. Your partner may only hear the feeling and not the message. Practice communicating the facts especially when there’s a lot of emotional charge.
Use the Deeper Understanding Script. The script is going to help you express yourself more effectively. Just like anything new, it’ll seem clunky and cumbersome at first. Try practicing by writing it out and editing over and over before attempting to use it with your partner.
Walking through the different parts of this script again, the first phrase is:
1. When.....
This statement is a concrete description of facts made without judgment or emotion infusing it. Don’t use the word you. Relate the situation or complaint as facts, like watching a movie.
From my Personal Motivation Statement I’ll create an example for you.
When we haven’t had time to spend together………..
The second phrase is: I start imagining.....
This is where you begin to apply meaning and assumptions to your complaint. If you get stuck on this section, you can play the 5 whys to help you. Again, don’t use the word you.
So my example would be: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us…….
The third phrase is: and I start to feel.....
Here’s where you name the feeling and own it! This is you letting your partner peek at your pain.
With the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone…...
On to the fourth phrase: And then I find myself.....
This will be an actual behavior. This helps you identify the prerecorded behavior tracks that are attached to your thoughts and feelings. What do you DO when you think and feel the things you’ve described? Behaviors are sometimes immediate and then sometimes a different one happens later. It’s ok if you only identify one, but be aware that both can be present.
Back to the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start to imagine it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested……
Phrase five is: What I’m really afraid of is.....
This is where you’re going to dig deeper and further identify the hidden feelings. This is where you’ll find the most opportunity for self-growth.
On with the example: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested. What I’m really afraid of is we’ll wake up one day and not enjoy being together……
The sixth and last phrase: In the future, would you be willing to.....?
This is you asking for your needs to be met. Remember that self-care stuff? This is one way you take care of yourself, by asking for what you want and need.
Now to be nonviolent communication, this cannot be a demand.
It’s a request. A request implies the person being asked has a choice. A demand means there will be retribution if your partner doesn’t comply. If you’re going to be angry at a refusal, you’re making a demand, not a request.
The example continues: When we haven’t had time to spend together, I start imagining it’s not a priority for us. And I start to feel sad and alone. And then I find myself avoiding the topic and then I’ll refuse when activities are suggested. What I’m really afraid of is we’ll wake up one day and not enjoy being together. In the future would you be willing to get season tickets for the local hockey team and go with me?
Would anyone say no to that?
With practice, you can consistently apply these principles to your communications. Become more mindful of your words. Test them out by writing out your complaint using the Deeper Understanding Script. Writing something out gives you a chance to be deliberate about the energy your words carry.
You can test in other ways as well. Ask yourself, would you say it just like that to your best friend? If not, don’t say it that way to your partner. Or say it aloud with a totally flat tone. Does it make sense without inflection? Emotionally charged talk needs inflection. If your words need inflection, then it probably isn’t nonviolent, or say it to yourself looking in your eyes in a mirror. You'll know if it’s violent.
This might be painful but so is all growth! Having your partner really hear you will make this worth the pain.
If you’re working on this with your partner, both of you can use this script and practice together. If you’re working on your own, then it’s still just as useful. You can use it to have your message heard. Don’t be discouraged if your partner is skeptical when you start this. They will soon appreciate the new approach.
The Recap:
1. Non-violent communication gives you the best chance of having your complaints heard.
2. Make complaints without emotion and judgment.
3. Clearly own and share your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
4. Request your wants and needs.
Practice:
Think of the last complaint you made to your partner. Use the Deeper Understanding Script and use it to relate this complaint. Work on it until it’s without emotion, judgment or other offense. Try sharing it again and see if it’s received differently.
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