​Can I Improve My Relationship?

   As a 20+ year veteran of marriage and family counseling, I have often been dumbfounded at how a previously loving couple will be cruel to each other. Often they will intentionally insult, disrespect, and otherwise belittle each other. Although we can assume that most relationships begin with a level of love, hope and commitment that convinces the couple that they want to be together for the forseeable 
future, several years later they cannot carry on a civil conversation.

     Often by the time a couple seeks counseling the relationship is doomed to fail. For this reason counseling couples is often frustrating and tedious work. I have often said I wish I could be with my patients all day to coach them through their interactions.  Many of the things I coach people on are repetitive and need to be applied on a daily basis rather than one hour a week in my office.  

     Winning Your Relationship Game means you reach a level of happiness they’ve only dreamed of or haven’t felt in a long time.  Let me begin by telling you what no one can help you do.  No one can tell you how to convince your partner that they are wrong and you are right. No one will excuse your behavior because of what your partner is or isn’t doing.  If you’re looking for a way to change others, good luck!  Chances are very good that there are some things that you can change that will make a positive difference in your relationship anyway.

     Relationships rest on 3 foundational pillars of Compassion, Communication and Commitment.  You must have all 3 for your relationship to remain stable.  A shaky relationship will have weaknesses in one or more areas.  Development in all 3 areas will grow the closeness and happiness of the relationship.  Your relationship will be a winning one. 

      My philosophy is also one of acknowledging the role of attachment.  Insecure attachment fears seem to be at the bottom of every conflict within a relationship.  If we can own that our responsibility is to make our partners feel securely attached, our relationships will be amazing!

     Things that impact relationships are issues of addictions, mental illness, domestic violence, or infidelity.  These introduce irrationality into any situation.  It’s difficult to work with someone who does not think in a rational manner.  Please get professional help if you need intervention which focuses specifically on those areas.  If you’re in an unsafe situation, I urge you to get outside help immediately.

      There are 3 areas of our reality that has to be examined.  Those are areas of thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  While thoughts and feelings are important, behaviors are what wins or loses in relationships.  Sometimes, changing behaviors is dependent on addressing the thoughts and feelings behind them.  Don’t be afraid, I think you’ll find this simple, but maybe not easy.  

     All things in life occur in cycles.  Relationships are no different.  Closeness occurs and distance occurs.  There’s the falling in love part and then there’s the settling in part.  Each change in stage represents a new set of rules for your relationship.  Our actions during and reactions to these times create a stronger or weaker relationship.  Sometimes we read difficult times as the end of a relationship, but it may just be a natural stage of moving closer. 

     I also see a relationship as a system.  This system cannot change in one area and be unchanged in another.  Therefore any change you make will impact the relationship.  So, CAN you change your relationship?  Yes.  And you should if you’re not happy with it now.  

Love and Be Lovely!
​Allison 

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