Strong Emotions = Strong Identity

​Curiosity can conquer any conflict.  Let me explain.  As humans our emotions give a gauge of how much we care about a topic.  So when there’s something we care strongly about, our emotions will match that in strength and intensity. 
       

​   Now, recall the last time you got angry at your partner about something.  Was it over the dirty laundry left in the bathroom floor?  Now, in the grand scheme of things, that dirty laundry really isn’t’ that big a deal is it?  Get curious about what’s really going on.  What’s really got you going is the meaning you’ve placed on that situation.  So does dirty laundry on the floor even though you’ve asked a million times mean that you’re not being heard?  Does it mean that your partner doesn’t care about what’s important to you?  Does it mean you feel disrespected?  Apply some curiosity and you’ll find a deeper meaning.

      Pretty soon you’ll understand why you’re so riled up.  The dirty clothes serve as evidence for something that’s meaningful to you. 
    
    The ability to communicate in deeper terms allows you to more truly express yourself to your partner and it allows them to know you more and more.  Our intimacy grows when we can share our inner selves more with our partners.

    Maybe even more important is recognizing that the same way you get wrapped up in something insignificant, applying deeper meaning to it, is your ability to recognize the same thing happens to your partner!

      This is where curiosity helps again.  When your partner is angry at you, can you get curious about the deeper meaning?  What’s on the surface is only minimally related to the deeper attachment need, our need to belong.  If you can tease out the deeper meaning for your partner, you can help to soothe the part of them that’s feeling a bit shaky.  What a wonderful thing to be able to do for each other.

        Practice time:  OK, cast your mind back to the last time you got irritated or flat out mad with your partner.  What was the surface issue?  Did it really mean that much?  Or was there a more significant, deeper, truer meaning?  What was it?  Can you initiate a conversation with your partner and let them know what was actually happening for you?  This isn’t to resolve it, it’s just to let your partner know you better. 

        If you want bonus points, think about the last time your partner got angry with you.  Look beyond the surface issue and get curious about the deeper meaning.  Can you initiate a conversation about that with your partner?  You might just end up knowing them better too!

Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it saves relationships!

Stay Curious Lovelies,
Allison 

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