 Do you sometimes feel that your partner doesn't meet your expectations? It can be very frustrating to have these sorts of emotions. But we know we cannot coerce another person into doing things or doing things the way we want them. If your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, that’s not the end of the relationship, unless this expectation is non-negotiable.
Often, we expect others to give us what we don’t give ourselves. When we’re weak in an area, we often look to the person closest to us. When they let us down, it makes us feel unseen and insecure. Almost any problem you're having in a relationship is really a problem with learning to love yourself. It is necessary to love yourself. It's just as important as the air you breathe. If you have an area of weakness, you will expect it from your partner. You have to recognize this need and find ways to fill that area of lack. Many philosophers theorize that relationships are our most fertile learning ground. Frictions that arise in your relationship will help you see more clearly where these expectations are and then point you to how to ease them yourself. An example of this might be me getting angry with my partner because housework keeps me from going to the gym. I expect him to help me and facilitate going. If he doesn’t, does that mean I keep working and don't go to the gym? No. If it’s important to me, I need to put a pin in the housework and go to the gym. Can I ask for this need to be met? Of course! But my gym attendance is up to me, not him. Expectations not met lead us to feel insecure and unsafe. Fear makes us mean, so that will show in our interactions with our partner. This might make us feel better, but it’s not likely to get us what we want or need. All of a sudden, friction with your partner transforms into a measure of your self-love. Your feelings about yourself aren’t dependent on whether your partner is happy with you or not. You aren’t let down when your partner disappoints you. You see it as an area for your attention vs. a topic of war. Likewise, your partner’s complaints tell you something about their level of self-love. Is there a way to facilitate their searching for their own way to meet their needs? I love it when my partner agrees to meet a need. But if he doesn’t, getting resentful just adds to the problem. If you understand you don’t need someone else to meet your needs, it makes it more clear when you shouldn’t stay in a relationship. If we’re always trying to earn our partner’s admiration and approval, we’ll always take the blame for things that go wrong. No matter where you are in your relationship, first work on loving yourself better. Other problems often resolve themselves when you do!
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 Fighting is an inevitable part of a relationship. Unless you agree on all things…..you are going to argue. Topics might include money, going out, time for hobbies, etc. Negotiating how you will handle things as a couple can help keep fights from escalating too far.
Talk about the big issues that derail relationships and decide how you want to handle them. Agreement on solutions decreases how charged a situation is before it even starts. The reason companies have to have safety training is so you know what to do when a crisis occurs. Crises will occur in our relationships too! One of my best pieces of advice is to set up a “date night” with your partner and keep it. I say plan once a week because some weeks you won’t be able to do it. If you only plan for once a month and you miss it, it’s too long in between. Date night should be a habit that sticks throughout your relationship. Children shouldn’t derail it. Holidays shouldn’t derail it. It should stay on track. Furthermore, I suggest a daily "date.” Find a time that works for you both. It might be over morning coffee. It might be over bedtime tea. It might be an after dinner glass of wine. Again, plan for every day because it won’t always work! This date should be about 15 minutes, so anything that needs to be discussed can be. How about rules around disagreements? How do each of you respond to conflict? Does one of you need to calm down? Does one of you fear not hashing it out completely? Knowing your style and honoring your partner’s will help arguments defuse more easily. If I need to calm down before I talk something through, you following me and continuing to push to engage is not going to help the situation. The key here is to have a rule about returning to the topic. Money is a big issue in many failed relationships. Decide what your goals as a couple are and how much you’re willing to dedicate to those goals. Anything that falls outside the guidelines you’ve agreed to is out of bounds. One of you is likely less impulsive than the other. How will you resolve it if you disagree? Make a rule. Everyone needs to have a little fun with money, so make sure that's also accounted for. Do not abdicate responsibility for money to your partner. Even if one person takes charge of paying the bills, you both need to be aware of the status of your finances. Often, couples aren’t exactly matched in their desire for socialization. Again, this is a place for compromise. What’s your rule about leaving a social situation together? The person who didn’t want to go in the first place may be the one to call it done, even if the social butterfly still wants to stay. Some days, that butterfly might have to stay home instead to make it fair for the other. A mismatch of sexual desire is another point on which partners often differ. Do yourself a favor and read “Come as You Are” to understand the biology of desire. If there is trauma in your background, work on it with a therapist. The worst thing you can do is take refusal of sex personally and make it a source of conflict. What is your agreement about extended family? If your mother breaks boundaries (BTW, what are the boundaries?) what action is called for? Generally, a person should deal with their own parents, but a couple needs to be on the same page no matter what. Don’t approach extended family until you are. Take time for yourself. We all need me time. How will you handle engaging with friends? How will you participate in your hobbies? How will you manage your self-care? These practices keep us restored and should be accessible and available to both partners. What other areas do you and your partner need rules around? When you’re not angry, discuss it and make some rules. Just knowing how you will handle it will diffuse some of the emotion. Then stick to that rule! Agreed? Allison xo |
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