April 14th, 2024

Fighting is an inevitable part of a relationship. Unless you agree on all things…..you are going to argue. Topics might include money, going out, time for hobbies, etc. Negotiating how you will handle things as a couple can help keep fights from escalating too far. 
Talk about the big issues that derail relationships and decide how you want to handle them. Agreement on solutions decreases how charged a situation is before it even starts. The reason companies have to have safety training is so you know what to do when a crisis occurs. Crises will occur in our relationships too! 

One of my best pieces of advice is to set up a “date night” with your partner and keep it. I say plan once a week because some weeks you won’t be able to do it. If you only plan for once a month and you miss it, it’s too long in between. Date night should be a habit that sticks throughout your relationship. Children shouldn’t derail it. Holidays shouldn’t derail it. It should stay on track. 

Furthermore, I suggest a daily "date.” Find a time that works for you both. It might be over morning coffee. It might be over bedtime tea. It might be an after dinner glass of wine. Again, plan for every day because it won’t always work! This date should be about 15 minutes, so anything that needs to be discussed can be. 

How about rules around disagreements? How do each of you respond to conflict? Does one of you need to calm down? Does one of you fear not hashing it out completely? Knowing your style and honoring your partner’s will help arguments defuse more easily. If I need to calm down before I talk something through, you following me and continuing to push to engage is not going to help the situation. The key here is to have a rule about returning to the topic. 

Money is a big issue in many failed relationships. Decide what your goals as a couple are and how much you’re willing to dedicate to those goals. Anything that falls outside the guidelines you’ve agreed to is out of bounds. One of you is likely less impulsive than the other. How will you resolve it if you disagree? Make a rule. Everyone needs to have a little fun with money, so make sure that's also accounted for. Do not abdicate responsibility for money to your partner. Even if one person takes charge of paying the bills, you both need to be aware of the status of your finances. 

Often, couples aren’t exactly matched in their desire for socialization. Again, this is a place for compromise. What’s your rule about leaving a social situation together? The person who didn’t want to go in the first place may be the one to call it done, even if the social butterfly still wants to stay. Some days, that butterfly might have to stay home instead to make it fair for the other. 

A mismatch of sexual desire is another point on which partners often differ. Do yourself a favor and read “Come as You Are” to understand the biology of desire. If there is trauma in your background, work on it with a therapist. The worst thing you can do is take refusal of sex personally and make it a source of conflict. 

What is your agreement about extended family? If your mother breaks boundaries (BTW, what are the boundaries?) what action is called for? Generally, a person should deal with their own parents, but a couple needs to be on the same page no matter what. Don’t approach extended family until you are. 

Take time for yourself. We all need me time. How will you handle engaging with friends? How will you participate in your hobbies? How will you manage your self-care? These practices keep us restored and should be accessible and available to both partners. 

What other areas do you and your partner need rules around? When you’re not angry, discuss it and make some rules. Just knowing how you will handle it will diffuse some of the emotion. Then stick to that rule! 

Agreed?
​Allison xo