Firstly, why don’t we change right when we want to? Even in the face of significant health or relationship issues, many of us don’t change our habits. If I had diabetes, you would think that I’d change to avoid kidney failure, blindness, etc. If I spent time in prison, you’d think I’d come out and not reoffend. Yet, many times, it’s just not enough to influence change.
Why and how do we change? Everyone’s why is different, but generally, we move along a “continuum of change”. The stages of change according to Prochaska and DiClemente are: Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, and Maintenance. You move through this continuum for every change you make. Sometimes you move quickly and sometimes slowly and sometimes, you move back and forth. Knowing where we are in the “continuum of change” can inform us how to agitate the problem (what we want to change) and encourage movement. The biggest problem with change is on a subconscious level, none of us likes to be pushed into change. Whether it’s a health challenge or another habit, we will likely resist change. Change triggers a bit of pushback. In addition, change, even good change can be scary. Our primal brain just knows that right now we’re alive and it wants to keep it that way. These tendencies cause us to ultimately be ambivalent about changing, even if we want to! Many times, we resort to making ourselves feel bad when we want to change. This doesn’t work. How many of us berate ourselves for not changing in ways we’d like? We say, “I can’t believe I ate that. I’m such a pig.” “I’m such a loser for getting drunk again last night.” “I hate myself for blowing up and getting mad.” First decide where you are in the continuum. Precontemplation=No desire to change, Contemplation= I might need to change, maybe one day. Preparation=I’m getting ready to take steps. Action=I’m making the change. Maintenance=I’m careful not to let my new habits slip. We might ask ourselves a series of questions. We might ask: Why do I want to make this change? How could I do it if I wanted to? What’s a good reason to make this change? How important is it for me to make this change? Why? What do I intend to do about this change? What am I ready and willing to do about this behavior? What have I already done? If you find yourself “fighting back” with some of your answers, relax and remember, you don’t HAVE to change! What and how you change are completely your choice. Your answers to these questions will give you a clue where you are. Let’s work through an example: I want to stop smoking. Why do I want to make this change? Truthfully, I don’t. I like smoking. It’s a comforting habit I have, and I enjoy it. How could I do it if I wanted to? I guess if I wanted to, I could take a stop smoking class. You know they have those all over now. What’s a good reason to make this change? I’m sure it’s already impacted my health, but the longer I smoke, the more significant those impacts are going to be. How important is it for me to make this change? Why? It’s important. I want to be healthy and enjoy my retirement and my grandchildren. What do I intend to do about this change? I’m not ready to commit at this point. What am I ready and willing to do about this behavior? I suppose I can get some information about the stop smoking classes. What have I already done? Well, I’ve calculated how much smoking costs me every year and that’s shocking! That actually made me cut back some. From this example, you can see I’m probably in the contemplation stage. I’m thinking about making a change, considering how to do it, and imagining my way into quitting smoking. You see in the first question; my resistance is high and I’m going to have to deal with that. I see that part of myself that’s hanging onto smoking as being in fear for its life! It doesn’t want to give up smoking! How can I approach this a little less directly, so it doesn’t get freaked out? I could say to that part, how could we do this in a way that would not make you so nervous? You might think of cutting back little by little, or setting a deadline, or switching to Nicorette. This is important because if that part of you doesn’t buy in, the change is not going to last. The other questions are giving me information to agitate this issue. I know some ways to approach it. I know why it’s important. I’ve evaluated my current level of willingness. If I continue to explore some of these concerns, it will further create dissonance between what my brain sees me doing and what I am doing. If I learn about the stop smoking classes and I think about how important changing this habit would be, I will soon find myself moving through preparing and into action. Let’s use a relationship example: I am currently practicing giving my partner the silent treatment when I’m angry. I’d like to be able to talk things through without walking around for days without speaking to each other. Why do I want to make this change? It creates a lot of distance between us and doesn’t resolve anything. How could I do it if I wanted to? I could make a commitment to just talk it out when I’m upset. I could ask my partner if they’d help so we both could initiate it. What’s a good reason to make this change? I know the silent treatment is not effective in creating a safe relationship and that’s what I want. How important is it for me to make this change? Why? In the long run, I can see it would be important. I don’t have an urgency about it. What do I intend to do about this change? I will talk to my husband and see if he’s as bothered by this as I am. Maybe we can work out an agreement as to how to handle it better. What am I ready and willing to do about this behavior? Even if he’s not on board, I’m going to attempt to break the silent treatment when I notice it. What have I already done? I’ve begun to recognize when it’s happening and practice having those conversations in my head. I ‘m going to practice speaking up even when I’m scared. In this example, I’m more in the preparation stage. I’m already aware of how this behavior is impacting me. I don’t like it. It’s incongruent with my desire to be in a supportive relationship. I’ve identified some starting behaviors and I’m ready to implement them. If I want to encourage the actions to happen, I can agitate myself in this way too. I can focus on the long-term problems that might occur if I don’t change. I can read articles about the benefits of good communication. I can talk to others who’ve overcome this issue. Using some of the concepts of motivational interviewing can be a good strategy to help us make changes that need to be made. This approach has research behind it! I always want to provide concepts that work and you can implement. Let me know what you think. Always changing, Allison
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