How to Repair Your Relationship

     Is your relationship going through a rough patch? Fights and problems or a lack of communication make for a lonely time. Small things seem to build up and make you crazy.

     Big or small, problems can be solved. You can work on change yourself, or you can get a good therapist to help you figure things out. Taking a "wait and see" track can be a scary option.

If you’re going to go for it on your own, here are some tips:

• Focus on patterns, not people. Blame is a losing move. Being right is a losing move. Everything comes down to a behavior pattern, pretty much. What behavior is causing the trip up in your relationship? Analyze why the pattern isn’t working. Change the pattern in whatever way you can. Sometimes, that change is just to stand still and do nothing! That’s always an option.
• Are you focusing on the "what" or the "how"? Many arguments devolve due to disagreement over the time, day, who said what... the "what". Instead, how can you focus on the "how"?

      For example, "You said you would take the trash out            last night. You never do what I ask. " This is "what." "I          feel really frustrated and uncared about when you                don’t follow through on what you say. It impacts my            trust in you. " This is "how."
      High emotions indicate something deeper than the                trash. We owe it to ourselves and our partner to get in        touch with that. Coming in with the “what” sounds like        a war cry to our partner.
      When things get tense, we all retreat to what feels              safe. And we all feel safe in different ways. I may get          angry, you may withdraw, and another person may                become passive aggressive. They are all ways to deal            with stress, but not necessarily to resolve any issues.          These are behaviors you can learn to change. It might          not be easy; you’ve spent a lifetime learning it this way!        It will be worth it, though!

• Prioritize your emotions. As discussed above, take care of your feelings instead of letting them run the show. Decide that you’re not going to hurt yourself or others. (Compassion is one of the pillars of a winning relationship.)

      Most of us can manage our emotions at work or with          our friends. We get in trouble because our primary                relationships represent safety to us. We’re biologically        wired to belong, and when that gets threatened... our          brain tries to save us by any means necessary.                      Catching your strong emotional response and handling        it logically isn’t natural, but it becomes easier the more        you practice.

• Stay in the present. Don’t go through the history of past hurts. This is another "what". If you want to resolve things, you must stay in the here and now. If you didn’t solve the conflict you had 10 years ago, what makes you think you can solve it along with what you’re fighting over now? Focus on the how and stay here. No time travel.
• DO the right things. I always say behaviors win the game. You can’t control feelings, and thoughts are hard to change, but you are 100 percent in charge of your behaviors. If you want more affection, be more affectionate. If you want your partner to do things for you, do things for them. If you want compliments, give compliments. If you’re feeling frustrated and stuck, DO something different, something healthy.
• Learn about yourself. Talking to a therapist, reading books, or following coaches or therapists online can help expedite your growth. Notice when you are blaming your partner for issues. Often, we want change... as long as it’s our partner who’s changing! You are contributing to every issue you have in your relationship. Yes, I meant that.

      Whether you are directly involved in the issue, or your          response to the issue, or your boundaries around the            issue, you are part of the problem.

• Be consistent and persistent. You cannot control the outcome. You can only control your effort. A single attempt will not change the game; you must repeat the winning behaviors over and over. If you fail, you learn something that doesn’t work. Use that information to make it better next time.
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Hopefully, you found these ideas helpful. Don’t take on too much at once but do take on something! Be focused and be consistent and persistent.
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You’ll be winning in no time!