Q-How Can I Cope With a Spouse Who Is Constantly Complaining?

​Q-I think of myself as an optimist, but my wife seems to be a pessimist. I love my wife, but it feels like she is always complaining about something, and it’s starting to bother me. In a way, I think she is trying to express her feelings. I want to support her, but I’m not sure how.

A-You’re right, she’s trying to express herself. John Gottman says a complaint is an unmet desire expressed.
That being said, complaining is a habitual behavior most of the time. Try having a compassionate, supportive conversation with her about how it bothers you.  It probably bothers you because you want to help correct whatever’s going on. Don’t start off telling her how wrong she is to communicate in that way.  Try to make her feel understood and she won’t be defensive. 

She may also have realized this is a problem and be open to changing this about herself. If she isn’t, don’t waste your time coercing her.  Don’t respond to the complaining behavior, but fully engage when she’s being positive.
 
I, too, sometimes complain, and my husband just abruptly changes the subject! I’ll be going on about something and he’ll say, “Man, look how pretty the sky is today!”  It’s kind of a joke between us now and we’ll just both laugh.

I assume from your question that she is not complaining about YOU specifically. If she is, there’s an opportunity for you to decide if there’s something you need to work on.  If not, approach this as a team in trying to reduce a bad habit.

f she is depressed, seek professional help. 

Best of luck, hope this helps!
​Allison 
 
 

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